The Adoption Writers Voice

Attachment and Adoption - Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, B. Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW

Understanding the Child with Special Needs

Before understanding the extent of these specific issues, it is important to acknowledge that adoptive parenting of a child with special needs is different from parenting a child without special needs. Although adoptive parents may face many of the same childrearing issues as biological parents, adoptive parents of children with special needs face numerous issues related directly to traumatic experiences of the child. Adoptive parents often find that this significantly alters the balance of the family system, resulting in overt stress and disequilibrium, sometimes to the extent that the child is returned to foster care or to the adoption agency.

 

The demands and stress that result from the adoption of children with special needs result in approximately one-fifth to one-fourth of the adoptions being reported as unsatisfactory and contributes to the approximately ten percent or more of these adoptions that disrupt. Conversely, research shows that less than 1 percent of infant adoptions disrupt, demonstrating that the issues facing these infant adoptive parents are significantly less.

 

John Bowlby’s writings on attachment suggest that early separations, discontinuity of loving care, and unresponsive or abusive care have a lasting impact on a child’s attachment framework. From this perspective, many adopted children have less than optimal beginnings. As parents transition into parenting these children, they are often faced head-on with the repercussions of these beginnings. Internal states of fear resulting from the early care are most commonly communicated through the child’s negative and rejecting behaviors.

 

These behaviors are a by-product of the break in the attachment relationship, which has left the affected child without the ability to calm them and in a state of constant stress, unable to control feelings of anger and frustration. As a result, many adopted children with trauma histories are often characterized as aggressive, defiant, controlling, and lacking empathy.

 

Stress from the Disconnect

These problematic behaviors between the child and the parent can then quickly lead to problematic relationships and a cascade of the issues identified earlier, such as financial stress, marital stress, extended family stress, and physical symptoms. As the child works to attain safety through avoidance of the very relationship that the parents are working to develop, tension, fear, and discontent can quickly create stress in all aspects of the parents’ lives.

 

The child’s internal blueprint for relationship says that love equals pain, rejection, and abandonment. When parenting a child with such a definition of love, adoptive parents soon find that conventional parenting techniques are profoundly ineffective. Too often, parents find themselves in a state of helplessness and at a complete loss as to how to handle the behaviors. These negative attachment behaviors can then leave the parents feeling emotionally depleted and depressed. Homes become chaotic. Friends disappear. Parents become isolated. Job-related stressors become more difficult to handle. Stress related physical symptoms become evident. Changes in self-image shift from confident and complete to insecure and empty. Even for experienced parents, who have raised biological children in the past and believe that they are fully prepared for the children’s lack of responsiveness can find them overwhelmed and feeling as if their lives are out of control. The entire household can switch from a state of light to a state of utter darkness. Early childhood experiences of fear, void of a responsive caregiver, have created this dynamic. It is the lack of ability to self-regulate internal emotional states that is at the helm of this powerful and stressful force, restricting the child’s ability to engage in positive social interactions with the adoptive parents.

 

Relational Focus Required

Children with trauma histories typically project their fear, anger, resentment, and sadness onto the mother; the mother becomes the main target. Attachment theory explains this reaction in its definition of the mother’s job: to keep the child safe. For children with trauma histories, their mothers were unable to fulfill this role. Thus, the trauma occurred within the construct of the relationship.

 

In helping families of children with severe acting-out behaviors, the focus of the intervention needs to be the relationship, not the behaviors. Emphasis should be placed on creating a secure base for the child within the relationship with the parent. Research has demonstrated a direct correlation in the quality of the relationship between the adopted child and the parent to the adoption outcome.

 

From Love to Fear to Love Again

When traditional parenting techniques prove ineffective, and as parents work to implement strategies to connect with their children to no avail, the feelings of rejection and helplessness can be devastating. As stress builds in the home when parenting a child who does not respond positively and who does not seek his parents for comfort, parents find themselves disconnecting in an attempt to maintain their own level of existence. Before long, the entire family can find themselves living in survival mode and parents often demonstrate difficulties in responding to their children in nurturing ways. Parents find themselves asking how they went from a state of love, in wanting so badly to adopt a child, to a state of fear—wanting to so badly to get away from the child.

 

The shift from an initial emotional state of love to this resultant emotional state of chaos and helplessness is simply the outcome of living with a child whose internal stress level is in a state of perpetual overdrive. This level of stress energy within a family system is a powerful force. The adoptive parents often find themselves yelling, screaming, and verging on the edge of abusiveness. This can be so severe at times that parents feel as if they could physically hurt or injure their child. This type of reactionary behavior is simply an internal safety mechanism used to avoid uncomfortable feelings and memories of their own past. In the study by me and Dziegielewski mentioned previously, the findings showed that of the adoptive mothers of children with special needs interviewed, 77 percent either strongly agreed or agreed that since adopting their child, they had experienced more rage and anger than ever before in their lives.

 

There is, however, hope for these families. Neuroscience tells us that the brain is ever changing, and neuro-plasticity tells us that the brain has the ability to continually formulate new connections. We were previously told that once we were hard-wired one way, we simply had to accept what we were given. However, brain scan imaging shows us that we are actually creating new connections all the time. When the parents can reduce their stress and return to a state of calm, their interactions with the child have the ability to create new healthy and functioning connections in the child’s neuro-patterning.

 

It takes reducing the stress created from the issues affecting the adoptive family, related to both the trauma history of the child and the effect of that on the parents. It takes the willingness to be honest with oneself in order to face the pain, frustration, and feelings of helplessness to then create experiences with the child that are characterized by sensitivity, understanding, patience, and attunement. Parenting a child with special needs requires living at a higher level of consciousness in order to stay attuned to one’s own emotional state. Attachment, bonding, and healing cannot occur when the parent is stressed and disconnected at the emotional level. It takes the intensity of positive emotional experiences to heal a child whose early messages, whether direct or indirect, were “You’re not wanted” or “You’re not lovable.” 

 

Such interventions extend beyond that of behavioral management or cognitive thought. It takes addressing and releasing the core fear, which has become the child’s reality, through changing the environment and either reducing or eliminating the stressors for the adoptive parent. Children inherently want to please their parents. It simply takes identifying the stressors and being willing to address the fear in order to allow the emotional space for this intrinsic drive and for the biological need for the relationship to be activated. Thus, the child labeled earlier as a “special needs” child is in reality a misnomer. Instead, a child with a trauma history and a history of an attachment break should simply be seen as a “Child with A Special Need.” And that special need is a well attuned, loving, and emotionally safe parent. It is in this dyadic relationship that the child (and his parents) finds his way back to love and healing.

 

Heather Forbes, LCSW, is the co-founder of the Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC.  Ms. Forbes has been training in the field of trauma and attachment with nationally recognized, first-generation attachment therapists since 1999.  She has been active in the field of adoption with experience ranging from pre-adoption to post-adoption clinical work. 

B. Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW is the founder of the Post Institute for Family-Centered Therapy and co-founder of the Beyond Consequences Institute.  He is an internationally recognized specialist in the treatment of emotional and behavioral disturbances in children and families. Dr. Post specializes in a holistic family-based treatment approach that addresses the underlying interactive dynamics of the entire family, a neurophysiologic process he refers to as, “The secret life of the family.” 

 

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control (Volume 1, 5th edition)

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control - (Volume 2)

Transracial Adoption from the Heart - Ola Zuri

My name is Ola Zuri and I have written a children's book. The book is titled "Why Can’t You Look Like Me?" and is the first in the series. The story is about a young girl who has been adopted transracially and feels that she does not fit in anywhere, even within her own family. Follow along on her journey of discovery. The title is currently being translated into other languages, as will the other titles in the series.

 

So far, I have had very positive feedback by the community. I am writing these books from personal experience as a child growing up in a white family and community. It is very sad, but also very true, that a lot of children who are adopted transracially are growing up by themselves in a predominantly white community. I was adopted with my twin sister and, even though we lived together, we were sent to different schools and had to deal with racism on our own. I find that to be very sad.

 

In reality though, it really is put upon the children to find solutions to their own situations because their parents, despite great intentions, don't really know how to do it. The parents are in the majority while the children are in the minority and if their parents are always fixing things for them, how are they going to deal with things when they are young adults and then grown-ups?

 

The messages that I have in this series of books is very important for these children to start dealing with what has been happening to them, what they have been thinking about and haven't felt they could talk about, or what may soon start happening to them. The reality again is, unfortunately, that these problems (racism, bullying, name calling, teasing) still exist today and they will still exist tomorrow, so the more literature that children have, the better.

 

My stories have very positive intentions and are so important for children to see because I know that when I was growing up, I didn't always talk to my parents about what I was going through because they wouldn't understand, being that they were white. There is nothing wrong with having mixed families but there is if the parents think that they can be blind to what may be happening within their own children.

These children need to see the messages in the books and realize that they are just as important as the rest of the children who shun them or tease them or leave them out. The messages are not just geared to transracially adopted children but also towards children who are just different in any way from the other kids because those children are teased, picked on and shunned as well.

 

I believe that anyone who reads my stories will have a better understanding of who they really are and will be able to feel better about talking about what situations may come up, or may have already happened.

I currently run a mentoring group in Kelowna, BC. It is called True Colours Mentoring and it is a joint project of the Adoptive Families Association of BC and the Boys & Girls Club. It is a mentoring program offered for children of colour that live with foster families or who have joined their family through adoption. Most of the children that attend our mentoring group live with white parents in a predominantly white community, so, the opportunity that I offer to these children is one of coming together to see that there are other children and adults of colour out in their communities.

 

During our mentoring sessions, the children are given the opportunity to read the various books I have in my own collection, while the younger children are read to by the older tweens and teens. These are very important years for the children as they are living in small communities that are not as open to multiculturalism, as is often displayed on the news. It is imperative that these children are offered these opportunities to read with one another, and with our mentors, about children and issues that deal with their direct heritage and/or backgrounds. I have children that come from as far away as a six hour drive to attend these multicultural events that I have to offer them.

 

Over the past two years, I have seen some amazing changes in the children who attend. They are more willing to accept that they are different from their parents and that it is okay to be different. There are very positive messages given to these children about their differences and in how to deal with any issues that may arise based on those differences. The communities that we live in here in Western Canada do not have the same literary resources as those offered in Eastern Canada, or various parts of the United States.

Being that it is not as easy as I would like for people to find literature for their children, with people that look like them, I have written and published my first in a series of childrens titles that have positive messages for children who feel that they do not fit in and/or are different. The title is currently being translated into other languages, as will the other titles in the series.

 

The reason that I am submitting this information, is that I would like to have the opportunity to bring this series out as titles of interest. I would like to introduce people to the reality of diversity and show how this series will play an extremely positive role for the children. This book and the series should be a part of every school's curriculum, as the message is really important for all children who feel that they don't fit in. My goal is to see the series in schools, libraries, and communities across as many countries as I can get to, showing how diverse we really are.

 

I thank you in advance for the chance to voice my thoughts on this very important area of my life.

Ola Zuri

www.blackoasisent.blogspot.com

 

Why Cant You Look Like Me?
Author: Ola Zuri

One Wonderful You - Francie Portnoy

I love my family.  My adoptive family is my family.  They are my family of identity.  I got my name from my family, my treasured (and some not so treasured) memories from my family, my life history from my family, my religious teachings, my educational experiences, my childhood pets and more, from my family.  My family is my family and I am attached to them.

I was the extreme example of a “mommy’s girl” as a child.  My mother was the only person who could comfort me when I was hurt.  I had to leave my first overnight camping experience because I was rushed on the bus so quickly that I didn’t get a chance to kiss her and say good-bye and that lapse overwhelmed me.  Sadly, my mom died when I was only 21 and I never did get to know her as a true adult.  I think I missed her most when I was pregnant and all my friends had their mothers around to support them, shop with them and plan with them; to tell them stories about their pregnancies and births. 

But, loving my family was not always enough.  While I remember knowing about my adoption from the beginning, so adoption seemed a very normal part of my life, it did not come without some challenges.  Growing up adopted created questions and feelings that were not often addressed.

 

I remember always wanting to have a twin.  I was fascinated by those shows where twins would be separated a birth, only to discover their mirror image later in life.  They would find each other as emerging young teens and their lives would be forever changed.  I am sure part of that fantasy came from my being adopted and having no personal “mirror” anywhere in my family.  No one who looked like me, acted like me, thought just like me or responded to the world like me.  Not only was I the only skinny blond in a large extended family of dark-haired, “padded” women, I was also more introspective and out-spoken. 

 

Back then, the conscious thoughts and images of difference stopped there though.  Those thoughts and images never went on to include any sense of loss connected to being the proverbial “fish out of water” in my family.  They were just part of a fantasy, an undefined longing.

 

It was only later, when I was moving through my teen years, that I vaguely recall feelings of difference, apartness beginning to creep into my awareness. But, sadly, I was never able to put words or meaning to the feelings.

 

I was adopted 60 years ago, when there was no talk of adoption issues.  No one gave words, let alone, explanations to any feelings about adoption.  If a child was adopted into a loving family, it was expected that there would be no issues connected to being adopted.  It was also expected that the child would grow up with the same values, traits and interests as the adoptive family.  So, why didn’t I?  Why was I so different from my family?  Why did I gravitate to certain groups, not at all like my family?  Why did I have a tendency to feel so strongly about issues that never seemed to cross their minds?  And, in return, I began to notice that my parents, too, often wondered who I was and were I got certain traits. 

 

When I was pregnant with my first child, the need to know the answers to those questions grew stronger.  Who would this child be?  What would he look like?  There were so many questions but no good answers. I needed to find out more. That need led to the search for my beginnings and, ultimately, to a search for my birth parents.  Strangely, though, after the glow of reunion passed; after the joy of finding matching hands, eyes and even the tendency to resort to cursing when upset (something my adoptive family never did), differences began to emerge.  While I shared several physical and temperamental traits with my birth family, I found that many of my life views and responses to the world were very different. I soon realized that I was not totally a part of either family.

 

That realization created increased feelings of difference and loss.  I finally understood the term “existential aloneness”.  It felt like I had all the air knocked out of me and for days I walked around, hardly able to catch my breath.  I was totally alone, ungrounded and undefined.  I had no real truth.

 

If I couldn’t find myself, my truth, in my adoptive family, and I couldn’t see it in my birth family, who was I?

 

While I was in the depths of my aloneness I began to fantasize about, and even long for, who I would be if I had been raised by my birth family or who I would be if I had been born into my adoptive family.  I had thought I so wanted to feel totally part of one family. From this, though, I saw a very different Me, a Me with so many parts lost.  I saw that if I had been born into my adoptive family I would not be the introspective, emotional person that I am and, while that is not always an easy trait to live with, I certainly was not prepared to give it up and be more emotionally shut down and unable to look deeply inside myself.  And, I saw that if I had been raised by my birth family I would have missed so many life experiences that have helped me refine my traits and my worldviews.  Not something I would be comfortable with either. It was these insights that helped me begin my climb out of that feeling of despair and start to create a new view of myself and of my adoption.

 

I soon realized that, while my adoption did come with its losses, it also had many gains.  I realized that I would not be the person I am without adoption.  It took the genetic make-up of my birth family AND the day-to-day experience and environmental influences of my adoptive family to make me who I am today.  And, while I still see myself as a work-in-progress, there are not many parts of me that I would be willing to totally throw away. 

 

I do wish I had been able to come to know all this earlier in my life.  It would have given sense and understanding to any feelings of difference and aloneness.  But, then, at the time of my adoption none of this was discussed.  My personal work in integrating my birth family legacy with my adoptive family legacy did not begin until midlife but it turned out to be some of the most important work I have done.  This work led to the publication of One Wonderful You, a book for children of adoption.  I wanted to help other adoptees, and their families, accept and honor their full histories – including both their biological and adoptive gifts (and challenges).  It is only by honestly accepting all that we are that we can truly honor that unique being who is One Wonderful You.

 

My dad is now 100 years old and living in an assisted living facility in Michigan, our home state.  I talk with him at least once a day and try to see him at least every three months.  Even though I found my birth mother 29 years ago, and have actually known her longer than I was able to know my mother, when I go up to Michigan I have lunch with my birth mother but I stay with my sister and spend most of the time with my family.  I feel blessed that I have a relationship with birth mother but my adoptive parents will always be my parents.  And, isn’t that the way adoption should be?

 

About Francie:

Francie received her Master’s Degree in Counseling from Oakland University.  She has worked in adoption for about 16 years, doing counseling, groups, workshops, trainings and preplacement and post placement work with families.  Francie, an adult adoptee, brings to her work both personal and professional insights.  She has written and had published a children’s book on adoption, several articles and co-authored two research papers on adoption at midlife.  Francie has two children and one grandchild and currently lives in Greensboro, NorthCarolina.

One Wonderful You
Author: Francie Portnoy

 “As a social worker working in the foster care system I have reviewed many books for children looking for the best book to help a young child with the idea of adoption. One Wonderful You is by far the best, addressing the positive aspects of the biological family and the adoptive family. A child struggling with their identity as an adoptive child will benefit from the simple storyline that allows them to make their own special history. The children love to color in the pictures as we read the book and talk about where they might have gotten some of their personal traits. This book is a staple in the adoption bag we give to all our adoptive families. Thank you so much for making it available to us.” -Susan G. Nelson, SW III -Dare County DSS

Star of the Week - Darlene Friedman

Star of the Week: A Story of Love, Adoption and Brownies with Sprinkles  - by Darlene Friedman

My journey to parenthood and adoption didn’t take a straight trajectory (wasn’t it John Lennon who said “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans?”). In my case, the plan was to live happily with my husband, Roger, sans children. At the time, it seemed like the right course for us. But things change and after a series of events— including a segment on China adoption on “The Today Show” that deeply affected me, and good friends who surprised us with the news they had adopted a daughter from China—we reconsidered our childless status. Before we knew it, we were full swing into our “paper pregnancy.”

As someone who has worked for an international woman’s organization (Soroptimist) for the major part of my career, I was knowledgeable about and sensitive to the plight of girls in China (and many other parts of the world). Although attitudes and cultural norms are slowly changing, the status of girl babies in China continues to be precarious, particularly in rural areas. So the thought of parenting a girl-child was very appealing to both my husband and me.

We returned home from China in November 1998 with our beautiful daughter, Eden. We quickly plugged into the many available resources, including membership in Families with Children from China, and a subscription to Adoptive Families. The Tapestry website was particularly helpful in directing us to appropriate books ( Over the Moon by Karen Katz was our favorite).

Roger and I are blessed (although sometimes it’s a curse!) with an exceptionally bright and sensitive daughter. We made her birth story a regular part of our lives and she started asking questions—and expressing profound grief—at a very early age.

As she grew older and started spending more time away from us, we realized that as wonderful as the resources and communities are, they couldn’t protect our little girl. Schools, even in “good” school districts, can be a battleground for kids who were adopted (or who have anything that sets them apart, for that matter). And it only gets worse. Now that Eden’s in middle school, her issues around adoption (not looking like her parents, being a minority, etc.), have escalated. She routinely hears racial/cultural epithets even though her school has “zero tolerance” for this kind of behavior.

It’s been awful to watch Eden struggle, knowing our ability to ease her pain is limited. For a while we worked with a great therapist who specializes in adoption (she is an adoptive parent with a Chinese daughter). We only went for a handful of sessions but just being heard by someone other than her parents was incredibly validating for our daughter. As her mother, I’ve tried to relate to Eden by sharing my own experiences. I was picked on as a child and also knew what it felt like to be a minority (I’m Jewish). But Eden quickly pointed out that at least I looked like my parents and “no one knows you’re Jewish just by looking at you.” True enough.

I should point out that our daughter’s struggles wax and wane. She is basically a happy kid—smart, funny, talented, and beautiful—who loves her family, her friends, her dogs and her life. But every now and then she hits an incredibly painful rough patch.

Roger and I came up with the idea for our book after going through the Star of the Week ritual many times with our daughter in grade school. It invariably brought up questions from her, and comments from her classmates. We recognized a void in children’s literature dealing with adoption within the school setting. We wanted to introduce the idea of adoption (and in this case, international adoption) in a non-threatening way, and help make it okay for children who might feel different for any number of reasons—unusual family situation, learning differences, etc. There is no shortage of things that kids can get called on.

Our book tells the story of one family with one particular set of circumstances. Yet it portrays those qualities that are universal: loving family, loving friends, loving pets, well-rounded and full life. We are gratified that early reviews in Adoptive Families magazine and School Library Journal recognized the book’s intent to start a healthy dialogue and cement the idea that what we share as humans on this planet is far greater than our differences.

 

Darlene Friedman is the author of Star of the Week: A Story of Love, Adoption and Brownies with Sprinkles, published by HarperCollins. An award-winning writer and editor, she serves as senior director of membership/marketing for Soroptimist, an international woman’s organization headquartered in Philadelphia. Her husband, Roger Roth, an award-winning children’s book illustrator, did the pictures for Star of the Week.

  

Open Adoption - Five Critical turning Points to Select Adoptive Parents - Melissa Nilsen

Open Adoption - Selecting Adoptive Parents - by Melissa Nilsen.

When I was pregnant at seventeen, I assumed for months that I would raise my baby; I would be a mom.  Then after the first trimester my boyfriend became unattached to the process and to me.  I thought: that’s fine, I’ll do it alone.  But my teenage pregnancy was my first big lesson that life cannot always be done alone. 

As my baby grew, something began to happen that I didn’t expect. I began to fall in love with her.  I didn’t know before my pregnancy that it was possible to love someone you had never seen.  But I did.  I became so ridiculously in love with her that I didn’t want to raise her alone anymore. 

They say love makes you do funny things.  I learned that this is true.  My love for the baby I carried wasn’t sensible or rational.  It didn’t make sense to separate myself from someone I loved so fiercely. But that’s what I did. I gave her the gift of separation.

Little by little I began to see that the life I could give her was not what my beloved child deserved.  I began to see that an eighteen-year-old-mother and an unemployed father was not a gift.  And no amount of love, I thought, could make up for instability, tumult and financial insecurity into which she would be born.

Before I leaped into the adoption process, I spent some time on my own, thinking about what I wanted in parents for my child.  I knew that by placing my baby I would be giving a couple the greatest gift I could give.  I wanted to make sure that the parents I picked would be an even greater gift to my daughter.  I didn’t think of adoption as a gift for me; just a sacrifice I was willing to make for someone I loved. 

So while I was pregnant, I talked with people I trusted: my parents, my midwife, my friends.  I ultimately came up with a list of values that were important to me.

What I Wanted:

• Health.  I wanted to know that my baby’s parents lived an active lifestyle, setting a good example for my child.

• Youth.  As a seventeen-year-old, this seemed very important.  I quickly learned that many adoptive couples are not that young so the health factor became that much more important.

• Similarity to me.  I wanted to feel a connection with my selected adoptive parents; like they got me and I got them.   And of course it was nice to picture my daughter being raised by people similar to me in the best of ways.

• Spirituality.  I was not particularly religious, but I was spiritual and my spirituality was important to me; I wanted my daughter to be exposed to that aspect of life.

• Honesty.  I wanted my selected adoptive parents to be sincere and genuine.   I wanted to see that they had a strong moral fiber.

• Respect.  It was absolutely critical to me that I felt respected as an adult by the people who would parent my child

Once I had my list, I embarked on the adoption process.  It took me very little time to select an adoption profile, meet my daughter’s parents and make the decision to choose them.  I still didn’t see this process as a positive one for me, at this point I still felt that I was making all the sacrifice.  But I was adamant about my decision so I didn’t waste time. Slowly though, as I got deeper and deeper in to the adoption process, my attitude about sacrifice and gifts began to shift.

1.   The Adoption Profiles

There were many Adoption Profiles to sift through in the agency’s giant book.  It was so overwhelming that I found myself skimming and only thoroughly reading the Birthmother letters that stood out as being different.

 

Tom and Sandy’s photo caught my eye immediately.  They looked healthy and young.  They were standing in front of the ocean and they looked sincere; happy but not in a forced way.  This photo stood out because it was in contrast to some very overly-cheery pictures, which somehow seemed insincere. I personally didn’t care for the cutesy touches.  I skipped past pages full of ribbons and bows.  I liked Sandy and Tom’s because it was simple, clean, and focused.  Just like me, I thought.

 

Their photos showed them sailing, walking, playing with their dog.  Again, the images gave me a picture of their lifestyle: healthy and active. They didn’t try to come across as “ideal.”  They simply showed themselves, wrote a little bit about each other (a great idea because they each had more freedom to brag a little about the other) and invited me to call.

 

Their Birthmother letter was honest.  Though they were upbeat, they were also willing to share that they had come through the difficult trials of in vitro fertilization.  This was my first realization that, like me, adoptive parents experienced great sacrifices to enter into the adoption process.  I felt honored that they were willing to share the trials of their journey with me, to make themselves vulnerable.  I felt important knowing that I was helping someone who really needed me.

2.   The Follow-Up Questions

Tom and Sandy’s letter was one of only two that I pulled, I was not interested in “shopping” I just wanted a good fit.  The letter gave me a good flavor for who they were but it didn’t answer all my questions.  I called the agency to ask:

• Does one of them plan to stay at home full time? (Yes, Sandy was going to be a stay-at-home-mom)

• Do they smoke? (No! Tom is a marathon runner—they were both very health-conscious)

• How old are they? (They were thirty-eight at the time.  This seemed older than I had hoped for, but their health and activity level were more important factors to me)

• Where do they live? (In the same state I live in; in a great neighborhood in Highland Park)

• Are they open to open adoption? (Yes! They were willing to let me be a part of my birthdaughter’s life)

• Are they in the multiracial book? (Yes! Though the baby I was placing was white as the day is long, I felt that this fact told me something about who they were.  I liked that they were open to adopting a multiracial baby)

3. The Call

Feeling good about the background data I had collected on them, I wanted to arrange a meeting to see if we felt a connection with each other.  I was nervous when I called and was somewhat glad that I got their answering machine.  The way they responded to my call made a great first impression.  Before I even met them I was beginning to get a sense for who they were; I liked them.

• They responded quickly and enthusiastically.  Tom called back right away and was clearly excited that I had called. 

• Tom was openly excited about the idea of meeting me.  This made me feel more at ease.  I put myself out there by calling and he showed me with his excitement that the gesture was welcome.

• Tom took the lead.  He suggested we meet at a coffee shop in their neighborhood, which was cool because it gave me a sense of where they lived without having made any commitments.

4.   The Meeting

I was already feeling pretty good about who Sandy and Tom were by the time my mother and I met them at the Highland Park Caribou Coffee.  But Sandy and Tom did several things at that first meeting that really convinced me that they were the couple I would choose to adopt my baby.

• They told stories about their infertility and how they came to choose adoption.  Right off they were open with me.  They were willing to share this very personal story with me even though we had just met.  This helped me to understand who they were and how they had come to this point.  They shared a little about the decision making process to choose adoption and why they thought it was a good choice for their family.

• They complimented me on my decision to consider adoption.  It felt good to have my own process acknowledged.  I appreciated the credit and it gave us something to connect on: neither of us thought we would be where we were that day.   But we were there and we were making the best of our own personal losses. 

• They were comfortable being emotional in front of me.  Their story was a difficult one to share for Sandy but she did not shy away from it.  Again, I was humbled by her willingness to be vulnerable with me.

• They affectionately supported each other.  While Sandy shared her story, Tom stroked her back and listened attentively.  This spoke volumes about the strength of their commitment to each other and the intimacy of their marriage.  At this point, I wanted to give my daughter the gift of being a part of their family.

• They discussed their spiritual beliefs.  Hearing that they had some strong spiritual beliefs and traditions in their family spoke to the solidity of their home.

• Finally, and maybe most importantly, they treated me like an adult.  Though they were nearly two decades older than me, they treated me like an equal from day one.  I had just turned eighteen by this point but I was dealing with a situation that required deep emotional maturity.  The process aged me.  No one likes to be condescended to and I appreciated that they spoke to me as if I was one of their peers.  This solidified the connection that I was looking for.

5.   The Decision

When I told Sandy and Tom that I wanted to proceed with the adoption process, they were ecstatic.  This was a huge sign for me that I was making the right choice.  If they had seemed nonchalant or casual, I might have been filled with doubt and worry.  But the moment I saw their joy, their excitement, I knew that this was the right choice.

 

They openly showed their confidence in me.  They never seemed to doubt that I would follow through on my decision and this trust made me able to enter into the reality of what was to come.  They didn’t doubt; so I didn’t doubt.

Over the next several weeks, we talked a lot on the phone.  Though I think Sandy was careful to not be overbearing, I loved hearing from her every week or so.  We set up a big group gathering with both of our families to get to know each other better.  We loved having time with them as much as—I’m sure—they liked seeing us.  It was a very special way for Sandy and Tom to be included in the pregnancy, to see me growing.

Though Sandy didn’t ask many questions or favors, I wouldn’t have minded if she did.  I would have been flattered to meet her friends or answer more questions about the pregnancy.  She asked a few questions about my health. I was proud of the way I was taking care of myself and was happy to answer.  I continued to eat well, to get lots of rest and visit my midwife regularly—through my entire pregnancy.

At the thirty-eighth week, I invited Sandy to a prenatal appointment.  This was an important turning point for our relationship.  My midwife let her hear the heart beat and asked her what she wanted from this process. 

Sandy said that she just wanted what I wanted.  But my midwife (who has known me my whole life) pushed her harder.  She said, “Melissa has made her choices, and now she is living them out.  This is your process too and it is okay for you to enter into it.”

When we left the clinic that day Sandy cried in the parking lot and hugged me.  She said, “You’re doing so much for me, I just wish I could do something really big for you.”

But I had begun to see this process differently; I had begun to see that my birthdaughter and her parents weren’t the only ones getting a gift from this adoption.  I told her truthfully, “You are doing something really big for me.  You’re promising to be my child’s mother; you’re giving me my choices back.”

At this point in my pregnancy (just three weeks after our first meeting) my decision to place my baby with Sandy and Tom was unshakable.  The gratitude, joy, respect, honesty and openness they showed me in our first meeting, continued to be poured out through the rest of my pregnancy.  These gifts they gave me from the start of our relationship made me confidant in my choice.  These same gifts gave me strength during my labor and delivery and supported me as I entrusted my child to them.   

And these same gifts, which we have continued to give each other, have made possible the open and healthy relationship we have maintained for nearly ten years.  

By Melissa Nilsen

mbnilsen@hotmail.com

Visit Melissa’s Blog @ http://birthmomguide.blogspot.com/

XXXXXX

 

 

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