The Adoption Writers Voice

Why I wrote Unveiling the Adoption Process?

By: Rhonda Miller

We went through the adoption process in 2008.  We were blessed to meet our son and his birth mother when he was just two days old.  He left the hospital with us, and we returned to our home state within a week.  Once our youngest son was home you would think that I, like most moms, would want to focus my attention on raising our three wonderful children. 

Something inside of me, however, was unsettled.  I thought I was prepared for the adoption process, but at the end I felt like I had been through the wringer; and it was hard to simply pick up, move on, and immerse myself in the roles of mother and wife as if the emotional roller coaster had not taken a toll on me as a person. 

When I spoke to adoption professionals and mentioned what surprised and upset me the most, they responded by saying they had seen it happen before.  To them, biological grandparents coming into the picture was fairly commonplace.  To my husband and me though, we finally had our third child in our arms with his birth mom’s blessing and then, two days later, we were faced with having to drive our baby to the attorney’s office so that his biological grandparents could raise him.  We were devastated.  That scenario was anything but commonplace for us, and it was not something we mentally prepared for in the adoption process. 

Thankfully, after thinking things over, the grandparents decided that raising an infant was not the best decision.  We were able to adopt the baby that we loved from the start.  Despite the joy in our family, nothing could erase the pain that had blindsided us.

The way I was able to cope with the lingering dissonance within was to make a decision to try and help other adoptive families by telling them details about our adoption.  I knew people that adopted, but I didn’t know the details.  I thought that if I had been exposed to a broader range of specific adoption experiences, then maybe when we encountered some difficulties in our process it would not have caused so much emotional trauma. 

Basically, I wanted to share the things that hindsight made me realize I wish I knew going into the process.  To accomplish that goal I talked to many adoptive parents I already knew.  I knew bits and pieces of each adoption, but I was amazed at the rest of the stories. 

A few of the twelve adoption processes in my book went as smoothly as you hear about in the informational meetings.  Most of them, however, encountered twists and turns that at times overwhelmed the families and forced them to make major changes to their adoption plans.  Whether international, domestic, private, foster, newborn, older, or special needs all of the adoption processes held their own challenges and triumphs for the families.

I also wanted to share real-life answers to those questions that almost everyone asks going into the process.   I wanted to tell readers how friends and family reacted to the adoption announcement, how long it really takes adopt, and how much it costs to adopt (what people were told and the fees they actually incurred).  All of those topics are things that I wanted to know, or should have wanted to know, going into the process. 

Even though no adoption is the same, knowing what other people have gone through can help smooth out the ups and downs in your own adoption process.  

This is the book I wish I had read before starting the process. It is available on the Tapestry Books Website. Author Rhonda Miller will prepare prospective adoptive parents for the road ahead with detailed information and insight from those who know it firsthand. Join her as she candidly and realistically unveils the adoption process. 

Interview with Rose Kent

Rose Kent is an author and mom to four kids: two adopted and two birth children, all of Korean ancestry. Her first children’s novel, Kimchi & Calamari (HarperCollins publishers) introduces wisecracking Joseph Calderaro, a fourteen-year-old Korean adoptee in an Italian family in New Jersey. A social studies essay on ancestry is the spark that sets Joseph off on a crash course of self discovery, while at the same time he wrestles with middle school romance, angst and annoying parents.

Can you tell us how Joseph, the adopted main character in Kimchi & Calamari came to be?

Like most writers, I’m drawn to material that I care about, and certainly that applies to adoption. I didn’t realize it at the time but the seed to Joseph’s story was planted when Connor, my third child, arrived from Korea. New Beginnings, the adoption agency I worked with, really made me aware of the mixed feelings that adopted children often experience. Adoption is a true joy and blessing – and I felt that so deeply, but it involves a primal loss for the child. I remember holding Connor in my arms and worrying how he would cope later, especially during puberty, a natural time for such reflection. I knew I couldn’t spare him from hurt and grief, but I wanted him to know that I “got it”— that I understood that who he was as a person didn’t begin the moment he arrived in America.

So while Joseph’s story is all his own, Kimchi & Calamari came from a place where I wanted to reach out to Connor and Theresa, my adopted kids, as well as other adopted kids. I love that old proverb that says children need to know their roots to develop their wings. And it isn’t just adopted kids needing this knowledge; all kids do. Many kids visit my website, www.RoseKent.com, and share their struggles to figure out their places in this world. Joseph jokingly calls himself an “ethnic sandwich,” and I think many kids today feel sandwiched in their lives for many reasons: ethnicity, divorce, conflicting friends, pressure in academics and sports, etc. Nobody cruises through adolescence without hitting some bumps in the road.

Your book is chockfull of humor. Is it influenced by your real life and family?

I have a wacky, absolutely wonderful family, and our experiences certainly mix into the writer’s pot and help me to keep it real, as my kids would say. Still Joseph’s situation is his and his alone. It’s mostly the feelings I tap into. You can’t turn your family into characters. They wouldn’t be happy campers, and it wouldn’t work. Readers are too smart for that. But I will admit that I borrowed Connor’s nickname as a baby and gave it to Joseph. (With permission from Connor, of course.)

Does the book have a message for adopted children?

Above all, Kimchi & Calamari is a coming-of-age tale about a kid discovering himself. I want adopted children to understand that it’s normal to have mixed emotions about their life stories. Young people have a right to learn about their origins, even the parts that are sad. Who we are as people is an amazing combination of nature, how we are nurtured, and our own special individuality. Wanting to grasp all this is an important part of growing up.

How has your view of multicultural adoption changed since you wrote the book?

My children have opened my eyes and ears to the way adoption is a constant strong presence in their lives. (I’m a writer so to me, adoption is as an ever-present character in the story.) I get this sense from the many adopted children who write me as well. Multicultural adoption is complex and influenced by so many factors including social values, economics, and policy. Yet adoption is also local, about one child. One situation.

What hasn’t changed is that I still have a profound sense of respect for all involved in adoption who try to do the right thing, whatever that may be, and who are there for children who need help sorting out issues. And kudos especially to the social workers and agencies who serve all in the adoption triage. We are lucky to have you.

What kind of response has Kimchi & Calamari been getting from readers?

I am blessed to have wonderful readers who have supported the book and put it onto state award winning lists in numerous states. Kimchi & Calamari is also now available in paperback, thanks to demand from readers, teachers, librarians, and those in the adoption community. The paperback edition has an interview with me in the back in which I talk about adoption and adopted kids.

What advice would you offer writers who want to tap into personal experience in their writing?

Get what I call a Nike attitude about writing: Just do it! Good writing is about honesty and coming to terms with your own truths. Journal and capture the experiences and emotions of your life on paper, whether you turn it into fiction or not. We all have stories and they are all worth telling. Tell yours. And I would appeal in particular to adoptees. We need your perspective. Adopted kids really need your books!

Are you working on a new book?

Always. Rocky Road (Knopf publishers) comes out on June 9, 2010. This book features Tess Dobson, an artistic girl who moves to upstate NY along with her mentally challenged mom and deaf little brother. The Dobsons use the last of their savings to open up an ice cream shop in a rundown area in the dead of winter. It is a story of love and survival -- and ice cream. Lots of mouth-watering ice cream!

Thank you for visiting.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity, and providing this forum. As an adoptive parent I know that I’m better for listening to others address adoption-related topics, and it’s terrific this blog is here for us.


Kimchi & Calamari
Author: Rose Kent
Rose Kent turned to kids for help in writing this novel—her own kids, since all four have Korean heritage and two are adopted. She and her family live in Niskayuna, New York, where they have frequent flyer points at Korean restaurants and Italian bakeries. This was her first novel.

Facebook Fairytales by Emily Liebert

Q & A with Author:

Tapestry: Why did you write Facebook Fairytales?

Emily Liebert: My inspiration for writing this book was my fascination with Facebook and how it’s revolutionizing modern society. I joined in the summer of 2008 and, at first, my intentions were purely voyeuristic. I read other people’s posts but never updated my own status. Then, like everyone else, I got sucked in and really started thinking about the cultural impact of social networking. And, in doing so, it occurred to me that there had to be some amazing stories evolving from these hundreds of millions of connections. So, one night, I went on Amazon.com to see if there had been any books already written along these lines. I found books on Facebook etiquette, how to use the site, and the history of its incarnation, but there was nothing on the effect that Facebook was having on our society. I decided someone needed to write that book and who better than me?

Tapestry: From what you learned about how people are using Facebook, describe how adoptive parents or adoptees might use Facebook related to adoption themes.

Emily Liebert: There are three stories in Facebook Fairytales that demonstrate how Facebook can be used by adoptive parents and adoptees. The first is the story of Seth and Melissa Edlavitch. Seth and Melissa had been trying to conceive for years, had experienced a tragic stillbirth of twins, and had undergone multiple cycles of IVF. Melissa’s sister had even acted as a surrogate, being implanted with Seth and Melissa’s genetic material. But nothing had worked, so they decided to pursue adoption, which can be a very long process, not to mention expensive. One night, Seth posted an adoption flyer they’d made to his Facebook wall and through a social networking domino effect, two months later, they took home a healthy baby boy.

The second story is about a young man named Jordan Luft who was able to track down his birth father, Heath, via Facebook. Heath then connected him to his birth mother, whom he was no longer involved with, and—since then—Jordan has developed a wonderful relationship with both of them.

And, finally, the third story is about a charitable organization called Love Without Boundaries which helps heal ill babies in China and place them with loving adoptive families. They used Facebook (and still do) to garner visibility for their amazing organization. Through Facebook, they’ve been able to find adoptive parents for these beautiful infants in need.

Tapestry: Who uses Facebook?

Emily Liebert: Everyone! There are currently 400 million members worldwide and that number is growing exponentially by the second. It’s no longer reserved for high school and college students. Facebook users span generations—from teenagers, to their older siblings, to their parents, and even grandparents. Three generations of my family are on Facebook regularly. And people use it for both professional and personal purposes, so it’s really an indispensible tool. In the foreword to Facebook Fairytales, Facebook CEO/Founder Mark Zuckerberg says that, within the next decade, he expects that Facebook will be as ubiquitous as email or a Web browser, such as Google. And I couldn’t agree more.

Tapestry: How do you think the social networks are changing the way people communicate, better or worse?

Emily Liebert: Without a doubt, social networks are changing the way people communicate for the better. If you want to pick up the phone and call someone or meet up in person, you’ll still do that. But, via social networks like Facebook, you have the ability to correspond with all of your friends and colleagues in a controlled, private setting without having to take up too much of anyone’s time. Also, I think people are far more likely to maintain relationships via Facebook than they are via regular e-mail or by telephone. Facebook makes everything very personal. For example, you wouldn’t likely send photos of your newborn baby to three hundred friends. But if you post them on Facebook, it facilitates that personal connection with loved ones near and far.

Emily Liebert is an award-winning, internationally published author, writer, and editor. Her first book Facebook Fairytales: Modern-Day Miracles to Inspire the Human Spirit will be published on April 6, 2010. She is also hard at work finishing final edits on her debut novel, Conversations with Friends.

Facebook Fairytales: Modern-Day Miracles to Inspire the Human Spirit

Author: Emily Liebert

Description:
Facebook Fairytales features three adoption stories: search and reunion, adopting a baby, and a small charitable organization able to raise money to heal orphans in China and place them with loving adoptive families.

Trends in Adoption Publishing

Tapestry Books owner, Shepard Morrow, was invited to speak about adoption books and the trends in adoption book publishing by the Families for Russian and Ukranian Adoption (FRUA).  You can read some of the interview here:

How many adoption titles were published last year? Did the economic downturn have an impact on this number and if so how?

Hard to say, there is no way to quantify strictly adoption related titles. The literature that adoptive families read related to adoption is a range of purely adoption topics, to the genre of parenting books that deals with raising children and building families. Tapestry carries both, and even with the economic downturn we add about 30 new titles per month to our online catalog.  

What trends in adoption publishing have you seen in the last 5 years, and why?

The trends affecting adoption publishing are complex but closely parallel changes in the publishing industry in general. Technology is having a broad effect on the cost of creating content and distributing it. The traditional publishing business, and more specifically book publishing, was historically based on concepts and organizational structure from the era of industrial production and economies of scale. Book publishers achieved lower unit costs by larger production runs, as so much of the cost was creation and set up. Today that is no longer the case, as fixed costs have plummeted with digital content. Then there is the cost of distribution and marketing that has similarly changed.  

The effect of all this is that it is easier today to get published, but the costs or risk of publishing have shifted away from traditional publishers to the authors themselves. Publishers are mostly struggling as they try to figure out how to make money and gain some advantage other than controlling the presses, and the distribution. They are no longer willing to take the same type of risk, and publish books because of the increasing uncertainty of sales. The traditional ways that they have sold and marketed books is no longer working.  

You might be wondering why I say it is easier today to get published when publishers are taking on fewer author projects. The growth of self publishing options has become a popular and proactive solution for many authors. There are many options for self publishing, and there has been an increase in books being published this way. Unfortunately getting a book printed is not the same as getting it published, marketed, and sold. Most self-publishing printers offer very generic publicity on an a-la-carte basis, but it often follows more traditional models of marketing. Tapestry Books offers an “indie” publishing solution for authors that are interested. Where we specialize, and offer a unique solution, is that we are strong in the adoption book marketing and distribution side of the process. If you are an author wanting to get published learn more HERE. 

Regarding the trends specific to adoption book publishing - it is the trends in topics of interest that have changed, and always will. So yes increases in the number of self-published titles, more titles about newer forms of medical treatment of infertility, more titles on managing difficult behaviors with children that have been in orphanages or foster care, more books for parents raising older children as a cohort of international adoptees tween, and more books discussing communication with birth mothers as domestic and open adoptions increase. But, and many of you are probably aware of this, as international adoptions have recently been declining there are also fewer professionals specializing on the area, and fewer writing carefully researched books on the topic as compared with the increase in self-published books. This is, in part, why it is important to consider the selection of books in the more general parenting categories that focus on similar issues around child development and parenting as might be relevant to an adoption situation. Additionally, why not all books that get published are as helpful or relevant as others.  

Do you have any guidelines for readers to choosing from all the titles out there?

There are indeed many choices for readers, more all the time. Not just many book choices, but many other choices for sources of helpful and relevant information such as blogs, online news, online forums, membership organizations, support groups, workshops, magazines… and every individual’s situation are unique. With all those choices come both “good” helpful information and an onslaught of overly personal recommendations.  

When it comes to suggesting books, our model is that one size does not fit all. As a starting point we do offer carefully and caringly considered topic specific lists on our website, but we do not stop there. If asked, we offer individualized suggestions based on gaining an understanding of a situation, and trying to determine what indeed will be most helpful and relevant to that person’s inquiry. It is the human factor that has gone missing at most online bookstores, and certainly matching books to adoption specific situations is hard to find. Our suggestions are like what one used to get from a local independent bookstore. We carry over 1,500 titles, review reports regarding what people are buying, which products they are looking at on our website and most importantly how they are voting for the books on our proprietary rating system. This coupled with reviewing much of the available adoption literature, and listening carefully, helps us to match people with books that can be helpful and relevant.

Help I've Been Adopted

Author: Speak

By Brenda McCreight

I have been in the adoption world a long time. I entered this life as the young adoptive mom of a 14 month old boy with undetermined “special needs”. Those special needs were later diagnosed as fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, but at the time, so little was known about it that we couldn’t even get a diagnosis, let alone find any resources. Fortunately, as a family therapist, I was able to access the scientific research. I read what little I could find, and then I began putting on workshops for other parents and professionals so that they could learn to recognize the symptoms and create ways to help their children who carried the diagnosis that would soon become so common in the adoption field. Over the next 30 years, I adopted more children (12 so far) and I kept on top of the newest research on neuroscience so that I could help my own family as well as provide effective counseling, parent coaching, and training to others.

Still, there is always more to learn about what children need from us and about two years ago I realized that a lot of the newly placed children I was seeing in my private practice were experiencing a kind of “culture shock” that was leaving them overwhelmed by all the changes that a new family demands. Often, the new adoptive parents were equally overwhelmed and were struggling to find out what was holding them all back from transforming into the new family they were trying to become. I also realized that even children who had been in their adoptive families for a long time sometimes harbored a deeply buried confusion about how to develop a sense of belonging and that we, the parents and the professionals, weren’t providing the answers or the direction that the children needed. Hence, my new book “Help – I’ve Been Adopted”.

This book is written for all older child adoptees, for their parents, and for the professionals who work with them. The purpose of the book is to address the issues that aren’t given the time or attention that many young adoptees need in order to fit the past into its rightful place and to grasp onto the present. Understanding the past and living in the present is a life long struggle for many adoptees who experience pre-natal exposure to drugs and alcohol and who survive early neglect and abuse - this book gives them a place to start their own journey to emotional health.

“Help – I’ve Been Adopted” covers such issues as:  

• helping the child or teen understand attachment and what it means in their lives;
  
• answering questions about why kids get adopted;
  
• how to form a family identity;
  
• and how the hopes and dreams that everyone, including the child and the parents, has about the adoption don’t always match the reality.
  

Each chapter contains stories about how other children or youth overcame these issues and suggests ways the child and parent can communicate about these concerns.

The book is easy to read, and can be used by the family, by therapists, and by social workers to help the beginning stages of an adoptive placement go more smoothly, or, it can be used years later to help the family talk with each other about adoption issues that they wish they had discussed early on. 

Brenda McCreight, Ph.D., is a therapist, author, and consultant specializing in services for adoptive and foster families dealing with challenges such as FASD, ADHD, conduct disorder, attachment disorder, developmental delays, and cognitive impairment. Brenda is the author of “Recognizing and Managing Children with Fetal Alcohol/Syndrome” published by the Child Welfare League of America, and of “Parenting Your Older Adopted Child” published by New Harbinger Publications and “Eden’s Secret Journal: The Story of an Older Child Adoption” published by Adoption Press. Brenda sees clients at her office in Nanaimo, British Columbia and she provides distance parent coaching by phone and by email. Most importantly, she is the mother of fourteen children (12 by adoption) and seven grandchildren.

PR release

Help I've Been Adopted is being published by Tapestry Books, and will be sold through Tapestry Books, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, major wholesalers  and retail bookstores. TBR 03/2010

If you have questions or opinions about this book, or any of my other books, or if you want to talk about having me do a presentation or workshop in your area, you can contact me through my web site http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com or my blog http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog.

A Foster-Adoption Story

 
A Rewarding Collaboration  -  By Christine Mitchell

A Foster-Adoption Story: Angela and Michael’s Journey: A Therapeutic Workbook

By Regina M. Kupecky, LSW and Christine Mitchell

Books are a great way to open a dialogue with children about adoption, but there are very few books that reflect older child and foster care adoption. It was this gap in children’s adoption literature that inspired me to write my first two books, Welcome Home, Forever Child and Family Day. Each project represented the type of books I wish I could have found for my daughter (adopted her at age four from foster care). My latest book, co-written with Regina M. Kupecky, is no different.

The inspiration for A Foster-Adoption Story: Angela and Michael’s Journey came from conversations I had with my daughter, in which I would often say “You know, a lot of children who have been through _________ (fill in the blank) feel scared (or worried/sad/ angry). Is that how you are feeling?” I realized that it was reassuring to her to know that other kids had experienced the same things she had. So the idea for the book was to help normalize foster care adoption, as well as creating a tool to help children talk about difficult feelings.

I approached Regina M. Kupecky, LSW about collaborating on the book, because I admire her tremendously, and am a big fan of her books Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child, co-authored with Gregory C. Keck, PhD. As a nationally recognized expert in older child adoption (with thirty years of experience working with traumatized children), her viewpoint as a therapist complemented my perspective as an adoptive parent. Although the project took more than two years to complete, as Regina and I would get side-tracked with other things, we are thrilled with the end result of our collaboration.

The book follows a brother and sister who navigate the world of foster care, from removal from their birth family through their eventual adoption. Originally written as a standard story book, it eventually evolved into a workbook. This format helps children look at their own lives and how their feelings affect their behavior, as they observe Angela and Michael struggle with difficult circumstances and emotions.

A Foster Adoption Story touches on themes such as loyalty issues, visitation, loss of foster parents, separation of siblings, birth parents, reasons for being in care and connections to people from children’s past. Their adoptive family promotes and permits connections, helping the children to heal. Each page has questions (and blank lines) to help children express their feelings concerning these issues, allowing the children to make the book their own. The questions will help the adult working with the child discuss the child’s history and feelings. The illustrations are in coloring book format so that the children can color as they like.

Whether used as a part of a life book, in therapy, with parents, or in support groups, this book provides a way to discuss sensitive subjects as we go along with Angela and Michael on their journey to permanence. It is a journey filled with many people and many feelings.

More is information available at www.christine-mitchell.com 

email: Christine@christine-mitchell.com

 

Welcome back Kelsey Stewart

Guilt, Grief and Pride

by: Kelsey Stewart

At 19, you think you know it all. I did. I was determined to make my adoption experience good, and keep control of what was to happen to my child. I was vulnerable and very gullible, thinking that because I was strong enough to make such a bold decision I was entitled to do it my way. I would have never thought that so many people, so many unknown people, would be coming at me telling me what I HAD to do in order to place my baby with he family that I wanted her to go to. It was quite a battle that I am thankful fell on my shoulders because if it would have been someone of weaker character, it would have been a very different outcome, In order to completely understand it, I have to explain what happened.

The 7 page article is available as an eBooklet on the Tapestry Books site HERE. Tapestry Books is publishing and distributing this article because of the positive response to Kelsey's article on our blog. was very

About the Author
Kelsey Stewart is a first time Author/Illustrator who has a unique perspective into adoption. She has been through two adoptions as a birth mother and hopes that her book ‘The Best For You’ will help children and adults everywhere understand why a mother might choose to place her child for adoption. Kelsey's direct style, and prompt caring responses make her great to exchange thoughts with.

Questions for First Time Author: Birth Mother Talk

Why did you write "The Best for You"?

As a birth mother, the most frequent question that I am asked is, "Wasn’t that a hard thing to do?" The second most common question is, "How could you give up a baby?" These are good questions and I take my time to answer them as honestly and openly as I can. Yes, it was a very difficult process to go through, but I was a strong and did it out of my love for my children. The other question needs more explanation. I did not give up my children, instead I took responsibility to ensure that I gave them a good start in life. I carefully looked for and found the right families that I felt would raise my children in a loving, supportive and open environment. I always say that I placed my children for adoption, not that I gave up my children for adoption.

Through conversations with adult adoptees, I began to think of a way I could help all children of adoption understand that they were not abandoned or not wanted by their birth mothers. I then thought ... ‘How can I make sure my OWN children understand that I placed them for adoption because I loved them, and I wanted them to have the best that I could provide for them?’ So one day two years ago, I sat down and began to write a letter to my children to do my best to explain, as simply as I could, my reasons for my decision. What I produced in that letter became the book I had always wanted to write. The story came surprisingly easy for me. The illustrations, now those were the real labor of this book. I do not consider myself an artist, and it was a challenging task to both draw and then color the pictures. I thought carefully about the images that accompany the text, making sure it was appropriate for children. When I was completely finished with the book, I was proud that I had set a goal, followed through, and had a wonderfully honest book that could possibly help so many.

I received amazing support from my husband and boys who were very proud of my courage and dedication in writing 'The Best For You'. Having previously worked in the printing industry, I turned my pages into a book and sent one to my daughter. She loved it. She encouraged me to share it with the world and follow my dream to help people, especially children, understand that they were loved and their mothers only wanted the best for them. I have done just that. Although my reasons and explanation may not be the reader’s exact situation, this book can help parents and children open up that sometimes difficult discussion regarding adoption. If ‘The Best For You’ can help kids start talking about their feelings and thoughts, then perhaps work through issues or questions, I will consider it successful and my goal achieved.

How did you select the families for your children?

I grew up without my father in my home and it had a profound effect on me. I watched my mother struggle to make ends meet and was a divorcee in a time when most everyone we knew were married. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I would not be marrying the father and the thought of raising a child without a father was not an option for me. A family member came to me about a colleague who was interested in adopting the baby. I met with the couple and discussed the important issues that I had; their history, religion, their future plans, their parenting beliefs and most important ... I wanted an open adoption. I requested photos and letters twice a year from them, to which I would reply with my own updates. It was important for me to know her, to see how she was growing and what kind of person she was becoming through her life. I also wanted her to know that I was thinking of her, that I always loved her. Her parents agreed with the terms. Luckily for me, her family went far beyond all my expectations. My daughter has always been a part of my life.

My twins were a different situation. I had a couple of years to heal from my first adoption and I chose to go to a different state for the second placing. It was more of an interview process where I looked through files and files of couples. I selected three couples, had lengthy discussions with them, and one face to face meeting that allowed me to make my choice. I chose a couple who had been married for a while and had been through placement disappointment before. It was the way they looked at each other when they spoke about raising children that was so comforting to me. I thought ...’If they can be married this long, handle the ups and downs of hoping to adopt and still have such a positive attitude and outlook about it all, well they are the reason why I am here.’ We negotiated an open adoption. The parents have complied through the years and I have received letters and photos of the twins all their lives. I do know that my children have always known that I love them, and for that I am thankful to the parents and families of my children.

Kelsey Stewart Bio

Kelsey Stewart is a first time Author/Illustrator who has a unique perspective into adoption. She has been through two adoptions as a birth mother and hopes that this book will help children and adults everywhere understand why a mother might choose to place her child for adoption. A native of Missouri, Kelsey moved to Southern California in the mid 90’s with her husband and worked as a graphic designer until their second son was born. Now a stay at home mom and volunteer for the community in which she resides, Kelsey has lived a full, productive and happy life since her journey as a mother began and considers herself incredibly blessed.

When White is Normal: Preparing Our Transracially Adopted Children to Love Themselves

By Susan Burton

"As a White person who is parenting African-American children, I must be committed to changing my own beliefs, knowledge and actions. I must also commit myself to a life-long struggle for justice for people of color." Susan Burton

After picking up my youngest daughter from the adoption agency when she was one month old, my then 3 year old daughter commented to my partner and me, “she’s brown like me”. She had been asking us questions about why our skin was different than hers for almost a year. As my partner and I prepared to adopt a 2^nd child, we were clear that we wanted our oldest child to have a sibling who would share her racial and ethnic heritage and experience.

Children are surrounded by images that normalize “Whiteness”. This is problematic for all children because these images are some of the first that children receive that teach the covert message that all people are not created equal. I believe that we, as parents and teachers of children of color must actively work to create environments where children see themselves reflected positively in the images and stories around them and learn that they are valuable members of and contributors to our society. For those of us who are White, we may not be conscious of how this “normalization” of Whiteness has limited our experience of the world and enslaved us in our own fear of “the other”. We may be aware of overt acts of hostility (e.g., racist jokes), but may not see the subtle acts of discrimination and implicit racism that our children will regularly encounter. In order to create environments that provide counter stories and lessen internalized oppression (nurture positive racial identity), we must engage in self-examination to become more conscious of ways that we perpetuate racism. Peggy McIntosh, a scholar and advocate for gender and racial justice and equity, once said, “We [White people] are often taught that racism is the meanness or violence of one or many because of race…we are not taught that it is the permission to dominate, that Whiteness is ideal and normal.”

Every day, I work to lessen and not act on my prejudices so that I do not perpetuate oppression. At the same time, I continue to participate in systems that set different standards and rewards for me and for my children, giving me and other people who look like me significant over-advantage. As a White person who is parenting African-American children, I must be committed to changing my own beliefs, knowledge and actions. I must also commit myself to a life-long struggle for justice for people of color.

bell hooks, a renowned African-American feminist and social critic, once said, “If you want to raise a self-loving African-American child or any child, turn off the TV”. Even at a time when the First Family of the United States is African-American, most images of Black people in the media (film, television, news, music) are negative – violent, uneducated, jesters and/or hyper sexualized. Commercials (print and TV), movies and television shows about ordinary living rarely cast African-Americans in primary roles.

There are many adoption advocates who continue to encourage me and teach me how to parent adopted children so that my girls develop strong self-esteem and identity. I have applied some of these same ideas and tools to raising African-American children. In addition to advocating for changes to laws and policies that continue to oppress Black and Brown people, my husband and I have tried to assess the environment over which we have control as we raise our children. We are taking steps within our home and community to create spaces where all White situations are not normal and, if such a situation occurs, our children are equipped to ask questions about it.

We live in a multiracial city and we definitely have some advantage to families who adopt trans-racially in other parts of the United States. However, our city is segregated by race and it is easy to enter into all White spaces. For those of us who are White, developing relationships cross-culturally requires intentionality, self-reflection, humility and perseverance. We make this kind of effort for our children in other realms of our lives as we seek ways to be better parents. No matter how intentional we are to create a sense of belonging in our White families, society will remind them that they are not White and therefore not “normal”. Below is a list of steps that I am incorporating into our lives so that every member of our family (not just our children) develops a love for their racial heritage.   

1. I have joined a number of on-line communities that work to end racism and promote equity. I try to be attentive to the examples of covert racism shared within these groups and reflect on my own behavior to make needed changes based on this new knowledge.
2. I purchase a lot of children’s books for our home that honor the dignity and worth of Black children through the images and story lines. (There are still many books that have “Black” children with light brown skin and White features. To me, these continue to perpetuate the damaging message that the more you assimilate into the dominant White culture the better.)
3. I found a local natural hair salon and am learning to care for my daughters’ hair so that they can feel good about how they look and celebrate the hair that God gave them. (African-American women are much more likely than White women to develop breast cancer and there are many conversations linking this to the chemicals used to straighten Black women’s hair.)
4. I have discontinued catalogues and magazines that come to our house that only have images of White people.
5. I carefully screen and ask my partner to screen the DVDs and television shows that our daughters watch. We do not have cable television because so much programming is exclusively White or reinforces and promotes negative stereotypes of Black people. As much as I loved reading the cartoons and the Kids Page in the newspaper, I do not share these with our children because almost all, if not all, of the images are White.
6. If my daughters watch shows or see magazines that do not have people of color in them, I wonder with them why and often say that I wish they had included Black people and other people of color. Now my 6 year old has begun noticing and giving voice to this.
7. Our family has chosen to worship at an African-American church so that they do not experience racism as their faith is being formed.  We want our children to experience African-American leadership as they experience church.
8. I talk openly about the legacies of slavery and celebrate all that Black people have accomplished in spite of these horrific crimes. (My oldest daughter is part of an after-school program whose curriculum is Afro-centric striving to “nurture the genius of all children”.)
9. I have limited amounts of time to stay connected with friends. I am intentional about nurturing and staying connected with Black friends because I want our children to have significant numbers of Black adults engaged in their lives. (I also intentionally nurture our friendships with people who have or are adopted and are part of multi-racial families.)
10. When creating guest lists for parties in our home, I make sure that my family has invited a significant number of Black people. (Dinner tables and special events in our families reflect our values unlike most places in our lives.)
11. Just as I talk with our families about not perpetuating negative adoption language and stories that I believe damaging (e.g., “given up”), I encourage close family and friends to examine their conscious and unconscious assumptions about and behaviors toward Black people.
12. Our children only have Black dolls and I ask my family when buying gifts to examine the images presented in the gifts that they purchase. In repeated studies, when Black children are asked to choose the prettiest dolls, the children choose the White doll over the Black doll. (There are many brands of toys that we will not purchase because there are not Black figures with the sets.)
13. I  work with our daughters’ school – administrators, parents and teachers -- to ensure that the racial/ethnic experience and heritage of our children show up in significant ways in the curricula, school events, field trips, library books, etc. throughout the school year (not just during Black History Month).
14. My partner and I chose a pediatric practice with African-American doctors. (I grew up in a segregated community where I saw few African-American professionals and this was one way I could guarantee that they would be closely connected and influenced by African-American professionals. I also wanted doctors who share their racial heritage and can offer all of us guidance with respect to their intellectual, social and emotional development as they grow up.)

Parenting brings tremendous joy and is also daunting at times. (Our first daughter weighed a little over 4 lbs when we brought her home from the hospital.) As a young adult, I began noticing people whose parenting I appreciated and recognized how important it would be for me to cultivate a community that would help me learn to parent well. Because many of the decisions and actions listed above require time and intentionality, I have found that a loving community is absolutely essential to being sustained in this journey. When I am conscious, I see how often the ugliness of racism is attempting to tell my daughters that they are not loved and valued in this place.

I have a supportive husband/partner who absolutely adores our children, understands that White privilege and racism still persist and is committed to being on this journey with me. My parents want the absolute best for their grandchildren and we talk openly with each other about what we will do to create the most unconditionally loving environment for our girls. I talk about parenting with people who share similar values and who I know will give me good counsel about raising my children. (The older my children get the more reciprocity I experience in these conversations.)   Whether I am talking with parents who are raising adopted children, girls, children in multi-racial families or Black children,  there is always an opportunity for me to become more conscious of ways that my children might experience the world that I have not considered. And, there are opportunities for me to listen to and learn from the experiences of adults who are African-American raised by African-American parents and adults that were trans-racially adopted.  (Before we finalized our decision to adopt African-American children, I spent a lot of time talking with Black friends about adopting an African-American child. These were people that I wanted in my children’s lives and whose support and insight I knew I would need as I learned to parent African-American children.)

We all want our children to know that they are loved. The person that I have the greatest ability to change is me. And, as I make changes within myself, I find that I can more authentically and powerfully speak to the changes that I want to see in the society in which our children are growing up. Throughout this journey, it has been helpful for me to remember how bell hooks (1994) describes this journey, “embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of love—‘care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge’—in our everyday lives.  We can successfully do this only by cultivating awareness.  Being aware enables us to critically examine our actions to see what is needed so that we can give care, be responsible, show respect, and indicate a willingness to learn.”

Growing up as a Transracial Adoptee - About Ola Zuri

Transracially Adopted - Memories of Seperation and Isolation

When I was younger, I wanted to look like everyone else around me so that I wouldn’t get so many why questions asked of me.  I wanted to know the answers to some of those same questions, but, I didn’t know the answers.   As I got older, I was starting to get used to people asking me all sorts of things that I didn’t always have the answers for.  I had a very closed adoption and I still don’t know all of the answers to some of those questions.  Imagine trying to figure out everything about yourself when you only know a partial bit about your life and where you came from. 

 

Only years later, would I find out any real details about my life before adoption.  My twin sister was born, prematurely, one hour and fifteen minutes before me.  She was whisked away into the neonatal care unit of the hospital and then surprise... I was born.  I was placed into the foster care system when I was just days old and was to  be separated from my sister until weeks later, when she too was placed with me into  the system.  I would stay there until I was two years old and then was adopted, with my sister, by a white couple.   

 

Separation appeared to be something that was going to continue with me as | grew  up.  My sister and I were never sent to our preschool at the same time, nor were we  sent to the same schools when it came time to attend.  So, even though we had each other to be with when we were at home, we both had our own issues to deal with at school, on our own.  Being alone at school was very hard for me and very sad.  I don’t think separating my sister and I was very beneficial as it left me feeling alone, in my  own world.  At my school, I was picked on, teased and told that I couldn’t play with  the other kids.  I was pushed around and hurt by other children.  I remember being singled out by teachers as well. 

 

It was very tough going to a school where I was treated unfairly and was constantly reminded that I was different, the one always left out.  In grade six, another brown girl came to my school and we became friends.  It was exciting for me to see that there really were other people like my sister and I.  I didn’t recognize that my sister was a resource for me because we weren’t together to share our experiences at school.  I rarely spoke about anything that happened to me, as I was afraid of what repercussions may come as a result.  My sister never actually wanted to talk about her experiences. 

 

There were so many years that I spent with a sense of isolation about me and of the never-adequate attempts for me to do the right thing, with my family and for myself.  | would continue with those attempts into my young adulthood and, I admit, that it was challenging for me.  I tended to be nervous, quiet, shy, and even ashamed of my being adopted, and that made me feel uncomfortable around a lot of people.  As I continued to grow, I started supporting everyone except myself, never stopping to listen to my own feelings.  I didn’t see, until years later when I really examined my life, and I then realized that I had to listen to myself and make it different for the children of today, who may be going through a lot of the similar feelings that I went through.    

Coming to Terms with a Transracial Identity

There are a lot of children that are being raised in our communities that are going to be dealing with what I call Transracial Identity Loss.  When a child is living amongst a family that does not share the same race as he/she does, there is a loss that occurs for this child.  The identity of knowing who you are, not just who you are being raised as, is a very big issue that children are having to learn to deal with.  There can be a denial about what racial identity to choose as a child becomes a young adult and, sometimes, even into adulthood.  The reality is that if the child loses himself/herself, he/she has lost everything.

 

When adopting children of another race than themselves, parents need to listen to the concerns they come home with, the stories from school, events or activities that they have been involved in.  The issues that they are trying to deal with can be very difficult ones to bridge and with the support and care from parents that will listen to them, and believe them, is extremely important in building up their self confidence and self esteem.  Those two areas of self are very easily shattered when an adult doesn’t put out the belief that the child is needing and wanting.  There will come a time that the stories will not be brought home if the child feels ashamed of who he/she is and feels that the parent isn’t willing to help deal with the issues with the child.

 

Having said that, what matters most for the children is that their parents have been there for them, to know, and to realize, that there are issues that may come up that the parents haven’t been able to prepare them for.  In the end, it will be on the young adult to figure out what he/she will have to do to fit in, to be a part of the community that sees their race as different, and to be whole to themselves and to still be themselves.  Fortunately, these children will have had that support growing up and will have the tools to help them.  It is important though, to remember that parents will not be able to fix everything for them, not when they are young, and definitely not when they are grown.  Those choices and decisions will, unfortunately, be ones that each individual will deal with themselves.  Thank goodness those tools were available to them as they were growing up!

Children’s books continue to offer an easier way for parents to broach a variety of subjects with their children, including adoption, bullying, racism and even more sensitive topics that can generate a lot of mixed feelings and emotions, both for the parents and the children.  The books that I am providing will touch on those sensitive topics and will offer an opening for the conversations to start the healing process for the losses the children may be dealing with, or may start dealing with.  The more support a child has in healing self, the better chance the child has of finding self.

Ola Zuri Today

In conjunction with the Adoptive Families Association of BC and the Boys and Girls Club, I currently run a group for children called True Colours.  It is a mentoring program offered for children of colour, most of whom are adopted or fostered into white families.  The ages of the children that attend range from two months of age to older teens, some coming in as mentors.  Over the past two years since the group was formed, I have seen some amazing changes in the children who attend.  They are more willing to accept that they are different and that it is okay to be different.  They are able to have interactions with the adults of colour, and the older teens, as mentors for them.  I have also seen that by having the older kids hanging out with the younger ones, helps them to feel good about fitting in with everyone, by playing games, doing crafts, and enjoying their time together.  This is so important for all children, as most parents are aware.

There are very positive messages given to these children about their differences and in how to deal with any issues that may arise based on those differences.  Most of the communities that we live in here in Western Canada do not have the same literary resources as those offered in Eastern Canada, or in various parts of the United States.  Having the consistency of knowing that the kids can count on that one time to be there for them can be very rewarding and can build strong inner confidence.  I have many children that cross off the days until we get together again each month for our True Colours sessions.  I am very proud to be a part of the lives of these children.

 

For the past three years, as well as running the True Colours program for the children, I am also involved in facilitating a transracial parenting workshop.  It is for parents who are either considering adopting transracially or have already brought their children home. These workshops deal with issues that parents aren't always thinking about or don't always take into consideration when they are adopting outside of their own race.  Some of these issues are stereotypes, the motivation to adopt transracially, racism, ages and stages of when to talk about things with their child, and a lot of very real topics that parents don't realize are topics they will deal with.  I became a facilitator of this workshop because, as an adult adoptee that was adopted transracially, I believe that I have some insight as to what parents can expect and am able to answer any questions about what their child(ren) may come up against.  The parents that attend have always mentioned that my being a part of the workshops is helpful to them as some of the areas that I am able to discuss with them, they hadn't thought about before.  My co-facilitator and I have only had very positive feedback from the families that take part in these workshops and we have even had people repeat them.  These workshops are very beneficial for all families that are looking into adopting outside of their own race and I am excited about being a part of them.

To promote the book I have had book signings, television spots, and the book is now going across Canada and the United States, in various school districts.  The book is selling online and in stores.  I have been interviewed for a soon to be released article and have a blog site.  The articles that I have been able to share with Adoption agencies in Canada and the United States, including Rainbow Kids, PACT, FCC, Adoptive Families Association of BC, and NACAC.    

 

Why Cant You Look Like Me?

Author: Ola Zuri