Open Adoption - Selecting Adoptive Parents - by Melissa Nilsen.
When I was pregnant at seventeen, I assumed for months that I would raise my baby; I would be a mom. Then after the first trimester my boyfriend became unattached to the process and to me. I thought: that’s fine, I’ll do it alone. But my teenage pregnancy was my first big lesson that life cannot always be done alone.
As my baby grew, something began to happen that I didn’t expect. I began to fall in love with her. I didn’t know before my pregnancy that it was possible to love someone you had never seen. But I did. I became so ridiculously in love with her that I didn’t want to raise her alone anymore.
They say love makes you do funny things. I learned that this is true. My love for the baby I carried wasn’t sensible or rational. It didn’t make sense to separate myself from someone I loved so fiercely. But that’s what I did. I gave her the gift of separation.
Little by little I began to see that the life I could give her was not what my beloved child deserved. I began to see that an eighteen-year-old-mother and an unemployed father was not a gift. And no amount of love, I thought, could make up for instability, tumult and financial insecurity into which she would be born.
Before I leaped into the adoption process, I spent some time on my own, thinking about what I wanted in parents for my child. I knew that by placing my baby I would be giving a couple the greatest gift I could give. I wanted to make sure that the parents I picked would be an even greater gift to my daughter. I didn’t think of adoption as a gift for me; just a sacrifice I was willing to make for someone I loved.
So while I was pregnant, I talked with people I trusted: my parents, my midwife, my friends. I ultimately came up with a list of values that were important to me.
What I Wanted:
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Health. I wanted to know that my baby’s parents lived an active lifestyle, setting a good example for my child.
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Youth. As a seventeen-year-old, this seemed very important. I quickly learned that many adoptive couples are not that young so the health factor became that much more important.
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Similarity to me. I wanted to feel a connection with my selected adoptive parents; like they got me and I got them. And of course it was nice to picture my daughter being raised by people similar to me in the best of ways.
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Spirituality. I was not particularly religious, but I was spiritual and my spirituality was important to me; I wanted my daughter to be exposed to that aspect of life.
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Honesty. I wanted my selected adoptive parents to be sincere and genuine. I wanted to see that they had a strong moral fiber.
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Respect. It was absolutely critical to me that I felt respected as an adult by the people who would parent my child
Once I had my list, I embarked on the adoption process. It took me very little time to select an adoption profile, meet my daughter’s parents and make the decision to choose them. I still didn’t see this process as a positive one for me, at this point I still felt that I was making all the sacrifice. But I was adamant about my decision so I didn’t waste time. Slowly though, as I got deeper and deeper in to the adoption process, my attitude about sacrifice and gifts began to shift.
1. The Adoption Profiles
There were many Adoption Profiles to sift through in the agency’s giant book. It was so overwhelming that I found myself skimming and only thoroughly reading the Birthmother letters that stood out as being different.
Tom and Sandy’s photo caught my eye immediately. They looked healthy and young. They were standing in front of the ocean and they looked sincere; happy but not in a forced way. This photo stood out because it was in contrast to some very overly-cheery pictures, which somehow seemed insincere. I personally didn’t care for the cutesy touches. I skipped past pages full of ribbons and bows. I liked Sandy and Tom’s because it was simple, clean, and focused. Just like me, I thought.
Their photos showed them sailing, walking, playing with their dog. Again, the images gave me a picture of their lifestyle: healthy and active. They didn’t try to come across as “ideal.” They simply showed themselves, wrote a little bit about each other (a great idea because they each had more freedom to brag a little about the other) and invited me to call.
Their Birthmother letter was honest. Though they were upbeat, they were also willing to share that they had come through the difficult trials of in vitro fertilization. This was my first realization that, like me, adoptive parents experienced great sacrifices to enter into the adoption process. I felt honored that they were willing to share the trials of their journey with me, to make themselves vulnerable. I felt important knowing that I was helping someone who really needed me.
2. The Follow-Up Questions
Tom and Sandy’s letter was one of only two that I pulled, I was not interested in “shopping” I just wanted a good fit. The letter gave me a good flavor for who they were but it didn’t answer all my questions. I called the agency to ask:
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Does one of them plan to stay at home full time? (Yes, Sandy was going to be a stay-at-home-mom)
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Do they smoke? (No! Tom is a marathon runner—they were both very health-conscious)
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How old are they? (They were thirty-eight at the time. This seemed older than I had hoped for, but their health and activity level were more important factors to me)
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Where do they live? (In the same state I live in; in a great neighborhood in Highland Park)
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Are they open to open adoption? (Yes! They were willing to let me be a part of my birthdaughter’s life)
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Are they in the multiracial book? (Yes! Though the baby I was placing was white as the day is long, I felt that this fact told me something about who they were. I liked that they were open to adopting a multiracial baby)
3. The Call
Feeling good about the background data I had collected on them, I wanted to arrange a meeting to see if we felt a connection with each other. I was nervous when I called and was somewhat glad that I got their answering machine. The way they responded to my call made a great first impression. Before I even met them I was beginning to get a sense for who they were; I liked them.
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They responded quickly and enthusiastically. Tom called back right away and was clearly excited that I had called.
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Tom was openly excited about the idea of meeting me. This made me feel more at ease. I put myself out there by calling and he showed me with his excitement that the gesture was welcome.
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Tom took the lead. He suggested we meet at a coffee shop in their neighborhood, which was cool because it gave me a sense of where they lived without having made any commitments.
4. The Meeting
I was already feeling pretty good about who Sandy and Tom were by the time my mother and I met them at the Highland Park Caribou Coffee. But Sandy and Tom did several things at that first meeting that really convinced me that they were the couple I would choose to adopt my baby.
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They told stories about their infertility and how they came to choose adoption. Right off they were open with me. They were willing to share this very personal story with me even though we had just met. This helped me to understand who they were and how they had come to this point. They shared a little about the decision making process to choose adoption and why they thought it was a good choice for their family.
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They complimented me on my decision to consider adoption. It felt good to have my own process acknowledged. I appreciated the credit and it gave us something to connect on: neither of us thought we would be where we were that day. But we were there and we were making the best of our own personal losses.
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They were comfortable being emotional in front of me. Their story was a difficult one to share for Sandy but she did not shy away from it. Again, I was humbled by her willingness to be vulnerable with me.
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They affectionately supported each other. While Sandy shared her story, Tom stroked her back and listened attentively. This spoke volumes about the strength of their commitment to each other and the intimacy of their marriage. At this point, I wanted to give my daughter the gift of being a part of their family.
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They discussed their spiritual beliefs. Hearing that they had some strong spiritual beliefs and traditions in their family spoke to the solidity of their home.
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Finally, and maybe most importantly, they treated me like an adult. Though they were nearly two decades older than me, they treated me like an equal from day one. I had just turned eighteen by this point but I was dealing with a situation that required deep emotional maturity. The process aged me. No one likes to be condescended to and I appreciated that they spoke to me as if I was one of their peers. This solidified the connection that I was looking for.
5. The Decision
When I told Sandy and Tom that I wanted to proceed with the adoption process, they were ecstatic. This was a huge sign for me that I was making the right choice. If they had seemed nonchalant or casual, I might have been filled with doubt and worry. But the moment I saw their joy, their excitement, I knew that this was the right choice.
They openly showed their confidence in me. They never seemed to doubt that I would follow through on my decision and this trust made me able to enter into the reality of what was to come. They didn’t doubt; so I didn’t doubt.
Over the next several weeks, we talked a lot on the phone. Though I think Sandy was careful to not be overbearing, I loved hearing from her every week or so. We set up a big group gathering with both of our families to get to know each other better. We loved having time with them as much as—I’m sure—they liked seeing us. It was a very special way for Sandy and Tom to be included in the pregnancy, to see me growing.
Though Sandy didn’t ask many questions or favors, I wouldn’t have minded if she did. I would have been flattered to meet her friends or answer more questions about the pregnancy. She asked a few questions about my health. I was proud of the way I was taking care of myself and was happy to answer. I continued to eat well, to get lots of rest and visit my midwife regularly—through my entire pregnancy.
At the thirty-eighth week, I invited Sandy to a prenatal appointment. This was an important turning point for our relationship. My midwife let her hear the heart beat and asked her what she wanted from this process.
Sandy said that she just wanted what I wanted. But my midwife (who has known me my whole life) pushed her harder. She said, “Melissa has made her choices, and now she is living them out. This is your process too and it is okay for you to enter into it.”
When we left the clinic that day Sandy cried in the parking lot and hugged me. She said, “You’re doing so much for me, I just wish I could do something really big for you.”
But I had begun to see this process differently; I had begun to see that my birthdaughter and her parents weren’t the only ones getting a gift from this adoption. I told her truthfully, “You are doing something really big for me. You’re promising to be my child’s mother; you’re giving me my choices back.”
At this point in my pregnancy (just three weeks after our first meeting) my decision to place my baby with Sandy and Tom was unshakable. The gratitude, joy, respect, honesty and openness they showed me in our first meeting, continued to be poured out through the rest of my pregnancy. These gifts they gave me from the start of our relationship made me confidant in my choice. These same gifts gave me strength during my labor and delivery and supported me as I entrusted my child to them.
And these same gifts, which we have continued to give each other, have made possible the open and healthy relationship we have maintained for nearly ten years.
By Melissa Nilsen
mbnilsen@hotmail.com
Visit Melissa’s Blog @ http://birthmomguide.blogspot.com/
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Download Melissa's other article Birthmother Perspective on Open Adoption .
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