The Adoption Writers Voice

Finding Aster: International Adoption - Ethiopia

Finding Aster: How To Prepare for Parenting your Internationally-Adopted Child

By: Dina McQueen

Though I never seriously thought about having a baby as a single woman, when I married my husband in 2004, we sometimes fantasized about becoming parents together. Finances, overpopulation, and my ill health, however, contributed to our decision not to procreate. When I had a hysterectomy in 2007, and finally became healthy (I had endometriosis for nearly two decades) we realized that we did indeed want to parent a child. We pursued international adoption first with Haiti, and later, after learning that it would take nearly two years to complete the process, decided on Ethiopia.
 
After the surgical procedure that left me unable to bear children, my husband and I then decided to become parents. I found this incredibly ironic: only after it was impossible for me to give birth did I really pursue becoming a mother. I took the idea further in my mind and wanted to explore more deeply why only after I couldn’t give birth did I then want to have a child. The book developed as a result of the thoughts that wouldn’t leave me alone. I truly wanted to share with women the freedom I experienced in knowing that I was going to become a mommy without giving birth. I found this idea incredibly liberating.
 
Because the writing of the book was a three-and-a-half year process, I learned more than I ever could have imagined. The last third of the book consists of three appendices that present the research I conducted, along with some of my own opinions. Overpopulation and how it relates to adoption, the infertility business and how it affects the women and couples that go through it, and the history of foster care and adoption in the United States are some of the topics I discuss.

There are things I learned along the way that I wish I had known before going through the process, the main one being do your research. In my book, I offer an extensive Resource section providing websites and organizations I wish I had known about prior to traveling to Ethiopia. I also would highly recommend for first time parents to read parenting books, and even enroll in a parenting class. Most social workers do not council prospective adoptive parents who have never before parented in a way that I feel could be most useful. Studying developmental psychology is very important.

It would have been reassuring for somebody in the know to have sat down with me for a heart-to-heart and shared this truth: Becoming a parent of any child, but perhaps especially an adopted child, will force you to grow as a human being in more ways than you think you might need. Please step off your high horse and put your feet on the ground. What you are embarking on is a very challenging endeavor, wrought with joys, certainly, but filled also with dilemmas, puzzling and maddening situations, and feelings of helplessness. Realize now that you will, at times, be on your knees praying for guidance. Do not allow yourself elaborate fantasies about motherhood. Whatever images you hold, add space for experiences you cannot fathom. They will arise, and you must be willing to meet the challenges with creativity, patience, humility, and gratitude.

Becoming the kind of parent that I aspire to be requires daily attention. I believe that having some kind of spiritual practice is important to keep one’s heart open, and mind calm. Raising any child is tough, but raising a child who has experienced trauma in the first months or years of life makes it vital that you realize how taxing the job is going to be. Be prepared: Have your “village” on call. Ask for and receive the help you need, even it this means finding a good therapist who is familiar with adoption-related issues.

Perhaps most important along these lines: If you do not feel capable of staying present with the challenges that accompany the experience of adoptive parenthood, trust yourself. Allow yourself the possibility that parenthood may not be right for you, and stop the process. Honor your limitations, so that you can honor the child that needs available, healthy parents.

If you make the decision to go for it, which my husband and I did and cannot now imagine life without Aster, I strongly urge that you find your adoption agency only through recommendations. Seek out adoptive parents who were pleased with whom they chose. Because full transparency is not a sure thing in international adoption, it is imperative that you find the most honest and trustworthy adoption agency possible.
 
I have learned so much so far, and our daughter has yet to turn four. One of the most astonishing discoveries I have made since bringing Aster home from Ethiopia is how special it is to raise a child that did not come from my womb. I deeply appreciate being able to watch my daughter develop traits that don’t resemble anybody I know. I wish that all women knew that becoming a mother without giving birth is not only a viable choice but also one that makes sense for the planet.

 Finding Aster: Our Ethiopian Adoption Story
Author: Dina McQueen

Available at Tapestry Books

About the author: In 1998 Dina received her Master’s Degree in Biography/Autobiography from Vermont’s Goddard College. Prior to Dina’s graduate study research, she came upon her grandfather Robert J. Wolff ’s manuscript, The Man From Highbelow. Fascinated with his story of awakening as an artist, and the way that through discovering his life she better understood and accepted who she was, Dina decided to dedicate her life to facilitating the writing of memoir. Since then, she has helped dozens of writers discover the story they want to tell, and helped them write and publish their memoirs. Dina is the 2006 New Mexico Discovery Award winner in the category of Fiction. She lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico, with her husband, Brian, and daughter, Aster. Authors site: HERE

Check out Book review on Adoption Today

 

Interview with Rose Kent

Rose Kent is an author and mom to four kids: two adopted and two birth children, all of Korean ancestry. Her first children’s novel, Kimchi & Calamari (HarperCollins publishers) introduces wisecracking Joseph Calderaro, a fourteen-year-old Korean adoptee in an Italian family in New Jersey. A social studies essay on ancestry is the spark that sets Joseph off on a crash course of self discovery, while at the same time he wrestles with middle school romance, angst and annoying parents.

Can you tell us how Joseph, the adopted main character in Kimchi & Calamari came to be?

Like most writers, I’m drawn to material that I care about, and certainly that applies to adoption. I didn’t realize it at the time but the seed to Joseph’s story was planted when Connor, my third child, arrived from Korea. New Beginnings, the adoption agency I worked with, really made me aware of the mixed feelings that adopted children often experience. Adoption is a true joy and blessing – and I felt that so deeply, but it involves a primal loss for the child. I remember holding Connor in my arms and worrying how he would cope later, especially during puberty, a natural time for such reflection. I knew I couldn’t spare him from hurt and grief, but I wanted him to know that I “got it”— that I understood that who he was as a person didn’t begin the moment he arrived in America.

So while Joseph’s story is all his own, Kimchi & Calamari came from a place where I wanted to reach out to Connor and Theresa, my adopted kids, as well as other adopted kids. I love that old proverb that says children need to know their roots to develop their wings. And it isn’t just adopted kids needing this knowledge; all kids do. Many kids visit my website, www.RoseKent.com, and share their struggles to figure out their places in this world. Joseph jokingly calls himself an “ethnic sandwich,” and I think many kids today feel sandwiched in their lives for many reasons: ethnicity, divorce, conflicting friends, pressure in academics and sports, etc. Nobody cruises through adolescence without hitting some bumps in the road.

Your book is chockfull of humor. Is it influenced by your real life and family?

I have a wacky, absolutely wonderful family, and our experiences certainly mix into the writer’s pot and help me to keep it real, as my kids would say. Still Joseph’s situation is his and his alone. It’s mostly the feelings I tap into. You can’t turn your family into characters. They wouldn’t be happy campers, and it wouldn’t work. Readers are too smart for that. But I will admit that I borrowed Connor’s nickname as a baby and gave it to Joseph. (With permission from Connor, of course.)

Does the book have a message for adopted children?

Above all, Kimchi & Calamari is a coming-of-age tale about a kid discovering himself. I want adopted children to understand that it’s normal to have mixed emotions about their life stories. Young people have a right to learn about their origins, even the parts that are sad. Who we are as people is an amazing combination of nature, how we are nurtured, and our own special individuality. Wanting to grasp all this is an important part of growing up.

How has your view of multicultural adoption changed since you wrote the book?

My children have opened my eyes and ears to the way adoption is a constant strong presence in their lives. (I’m a writer so to me, adoption is as an ever-present character in the story.) I get this sense from the many adopted children who write me as well. Multicultural adoption is complex and influenced by so many factors including social values, economics, and policy. Yet adoption is also local, about one child. One situation.

What hasn’t changed is that I still have a profound sense of respect for all involved in adoption who try to do the right thing, whatever that may be, and who are there for children who need help sorting out issues. And kudos especially to the social workers and agencies who serve all in the adoption triage. We are lucky to have you.

What kind of response has Kimchi & Calamari been getting from readers?

I am blessed to have wonderful readers who have supported the book and put it onto state award winning lists in numerous states. Kimchi & Calamari is also now available in paperback, thanks to demand from readers, teachers, librarians, and those in the adoption community. The paperback edition has an interview with me in the back in which I talk about adoption and adopted kids.

What advice would you offer writers who want to tap into personal experience in their writing?

Get what I call a Nike attitude about writing: Just do it! Good writing is about honesty and coming to terms with your own truths. Journal and capture the experiences and emotions of your life on paper, whether you turn it into fiction or not. We all have stories and they are all worth telling. Tell yours. And I would appeal in particular to adoptees. We need your perspective. Adopted kids really need your books!

Are you working on a new book?

Always. Rocky Road (Knopf publishers) comes out on June 9, 2010. This book features Tess Dobson, an artistic girl who moves to upstate NY along with her mentally challenged mom and deaf little brother. The Dobsons use the last of their savings to open up an ice cream shop in a rundown area in the dead of winter. It is a story of love and survival -- and ice cream. Lots of mouth-watering ice cream!

Thank you for visiting.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity, and providing this forum. As an adoptive parent I know that I’m better for listening to others address adoption-related topics, and it’s terrific this blog is here for us.


Kimchi & Calamari
Author: Rose Kent
Rose Kent turned to kids for help in writing this novel—her own kids, since all four have Korean heritage and two are adopted. She and her family live in Niskayuna, New York, where they have frequent flyer points at Korean restaurants and Italian bakeries. This was her first novel.

Facebook Fairytales by Emily Liebert

Q & A with Author:

Tapestry: Why did you write Facebook Fairytales?

Emily Liebert: My inspiration for writing this book was my fascination with Facebook and how it’s revolutionizing modern society. I joined in the summer of 2008 and, at first, my intentions were purely voyeuristic. I read other people’s posts but never updated my own status. Then, like everyone else, I got sucked in and really started thinking about the cultural impact of social networking. And, in doing so, it occurred to me that there had to be some amazing stories evolving from these hundreds of millions of connections. So, one night, I went on Amazon.com to see if there had been any books already written along these lines. I found books on Facebook etiquette, how to use the site, and the history of its incarnation, but there was nothing on the effect that Facebook was having on our society. I decided someone needed to write that book and who better than me?

Tapestry: From what you learned about how people are using Facebook, describe how adoptive parents or adoptees might use Facebook related to adoption themes.

Emily Liebert: There are three stories in Facebook Fairytales that demonstrate how Facebook can be used by adoptive parents and adoptees. The first is the story of Seth and Melissa Edlavitch. Seth and Melissa had been trying to conceive for years, had experienced a tragic stillbirth of twins, and had undergone multiple cycles of IVF. Melissa’s sister had even acted as a surrogate, being implanted with Seth and Melissa’s genetic material. But nothing had worked, so they decided to pursue adoption, which can be a very long process, not to mention expensive. One night, Seth posted an adoption flyer they’d made to his Facebook wall and through a social networking domino effect, two months later, they took home a healthy baby boy.

The second story is about a young man named Jordan Luft who was able to track down his birth father, Heath, via Facebook. Heath then connected him to his birth mother, whom he was no longer involved with, and—since then—Jordan has developed a wonderful relationship with both of them.

And, finally, the third story is about a charitable organization called Love Without Boundaries which helps heal ill babies in China and place them with loving adoptive families. They used Facebook (and still do) to garner visibility for their amazing organization. Through Facebook, they’ve been able to find adoptive parents for these beautiful infants in need.

Tapestry: Who uses Facebook?

Emily Liebert: Everyone! There are currently 400 million members worldwide and that number is growing exponentially by the second. It’s no longer reserved for high school and college students. Facebook users span generations—from teenagers, to their older siblings, to their parents, and even grandparents. Three generations of my family are on Facebook regularly. And people use it for both professional and personal purposes, so it’s really an indispensible tool. In the foreword to Facebook Fairytales, Facebook CEO/Founder Mark Zuckerberg says that, within the next decade, he expects that Facebook will be as ubiquitous as email or a Web browser, such as Google. And I couldn’t agree more.

Tapestry: How do you think the social networks are changing the way people communicate, better or worse?

Emily Liebert: Without a doubt, social networks are changing the way people communicate for the better. If you want to pick up the phone and call someone or meet up in person, you’ll still do that. But, via social networks like Facebook, you have the ability to correspond with all of your friends and colleagues in a controlled, private setting without having to take up too much of anyone’s time. Also, I think people are far more likely to maintain relationships via Facebook than they are via regular e-mail or by telephone. Facebook makes everything very personal. For example, you wouldn’t likely send photos of your newborn baby to three hundred friends. But if you post them on Facebook, it facilitates that personal connection with loved ones near and far.

Emily Liebert is an award-winning, internationally published author, writer, and editor. Her first book Facebook Fairytales: Modern-Day Miracles to Inspire the Human Spirit will be published on April 6, 2010. She is also hard at work finishing final edits on her debut novel, Conversations with Friends.

Facebook Fairytales: Modern-Day Miracles to Inspire the Human Spirit

Author: Emily Liebert

Description:
Facebook Fairytales features three adoption stories: search and reunion, adopting a baby, and a small charitable organization able to raise money to heal orphans in China and place them with loving adoptive families.

Trends in Adoption Publishing

Tapestry Books owner, Shepard Morrow, was invited to speak about adoption books and the trends in adoption book publishing by the Families for Russian and Ukranian Adoption (FRUA).  You can read some of the interview here:

How many adoption titles were published last year? Did the economic downturn have an impact on this number and if so how?

Hard to say, there is no way to quantify strictly adoption related titles. The literature that adoptive families read related to adoption is a range of purely adoption topics, to the genre of parenting books that deals with raising children and building families. Tapestry carries both, and even with the economic downturn we add about 30 new titles per month to our online catalog.  

What trends in adoption publishing have you seen in the last 5 years, and why?

The trends affecting adoption publishing are complex but closely parallel changes in the publishing industry in general. Technology is having a broad effect on the cost of creating content and distributing it. The traditional publishing business, and more specifically book publishing, was historically based on concepts and organizational structure from the era of industrial production and economies of scale. Book publishers achieved lower unit costs by larger production runs, as so much of the cost was creation and set up. Today that is no longer the case, as fixed costs have plummeted with digital content. Then there is the cost of distribution and marketing that has similarly changed.  

The effect of all this is that it is easier today to get published, but the costs or risk of publishing have shifted away from traditional publishers to the authors themselves. Publishers are mostly struggling as they try to figure out how to make money and gain some advantage other than controlling the presses, and the distribution. They are no longer willing to take the same type of risk, and publish books because of the increasing uncertainty of sales. The traditional ways that they have sold and marketed books is no longer working.  

You might be wondering why I say it is easier today to get published when publishers are taking on fewer author projects. The growth of self publishing options has become a popular and proactive solution for many authors. There are many options for self publishing, and there has been an increase in books being published this way. Unfortunately getting a book printed is not the same as getting it published, marketed, and sold. Most self-publishing printers offer very generic publicity on an a-la-carte basis, but it often follows more traditional models of marketing. Tapestry Books offers an “indie” publishing solution for authors that are interested. Where we specialize, and offer a unique solution, is that we are strong in the adoption book marketing and distribution side of the process. If you are an author wanting to get published learn more HERE. 

Regarding the trends specific to adoption book publishing - it is the trends in topics of interest that have changed, and always will. So yes increases in the number of self-published titles, more titles about newer forms of medical treatment of infertility, more titles on managing difficult behaviors with children that have been in orphanages or foster care, more books for parents raising older children as a cohort of international adoptees tween, and more books discussing communication with birth mothers as domestic and open adoptions increase. But, and many of you are probably aware of this, as international adoptions have recently been declining there are also fewer professionals specializing on the area, and fewer writing carefully researched books on the topic as compared with the increase in self-published books. This is, in part, why it is important to consider the selection of books in the more general parenting categories that focus on similar issues around child development and parenting as might be relevant to an adoption situation. Additionally, why not all books that get published are as helpful or relevant as others.  

Do you have any guidelines for readers to choosing from all the titles out there?

There are indeed many choices for readers, more all the time. Not just many book choices, but many other choices for sources of helpful and relevant information such as blogs, online news, online forums, membership organizations, support groups, workshops, magazines… and every individual’s situation are unique. With all those choices come both “good” helpful information and an onslaught of overly personal recommendations.  

When it comes to suggesting books, our model is that one size does not fit all. As a starting point we do offer carefully and caringly considered topic specific lists on our website, but we do not stop there. If asked, we offer individualized suggestions based on gaining an understanding of a situation, and trying to determine what indeed will be most helpful and relevant to that person’s inquiry. It is the human factor that has gone missing at most online bookstores, and certainly matching books to adoption specific situations is hard to find. Our suggestions are like what one used to get from a local independent bookstore. We carry over 1,500 titles, review reports regarding what people are buying, which products they are looking at on our website and most importantly how they are voting for the books on our proprietary rating system. This coupled with reviewing much of the available adoption literature, and listening carefully, helps us to match people with books that can be helpful and relevant.

Help I've Been Adopted

Author: Speak

By Brenda McCreight

I have been in the adoption world a long time. I entered this life as the young adoptive mom of a 14 month old boy with undetermined “special needs”. Those special needs were later diagnosed as fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, but at the time, so little was known about it that we couldn’t even get a diagnosis, let alone find any resources. Fortunately, as a family therapist, I was able to access the scientific research. I read what little I could find, and then I began putting on workshops for other parents and professionals so that they could learn to recognize the symptoms and create ways to help their children who carried the diagnosis that would soon become so common in the adoption field. Over the next 30 years, I adopted more children (12 so far) and I kept on top of the newest research on neuroscience so that I could help my own family as well as provide effective counseling, parent coaching, and training to others.

Still, there is always more to learn about what children need from us and about two years ago I realized that a lot of the newly placed children I was seeing in my private practice were experiencing a kind of “culture shock” that was leaving them overwhelmed by all the changes that a new family demands. Often, the new adoptive parents were equally overwhelmed and were struggling to find out what was holding them all back from transforming into the new family they were trying to become. I also realized that even children who had been in their adoptive families for a long time sometimes harbored a deeply buried confusion about how to develop a sense of belonging and that we, the parents and the professionals, weren’t providing the answers or the direction that the children needed. Hence, my new book “Help – I’ve Been Adopted”.

This book is written for all older child adoptees, for their parents, and for the professionals who work with them. The purpose of the book is to address the issues that aren’t given the time or attention that many young adoptees need in order to fit the past into its rightful place and to grasp onto the present. Understanding the past and living in the present is a life long struggle for many adoptees who experience pre-natal exposure to drugs and alcohol and who survive early neglect and abuse - this book gives them a place to start their own journey to emotional health.

“Help – I’ve Been Adopted” covers such issues as:  

• helping the child or teen understand attachment and what it means in their lives;
  
• answering questions about why kids get adopted;
  
• how to form a family identity;
  
• and how the hopes and dreams that everyone, including the child and the parents, has about the adoption don’t always match the reality.
  

Each chapter contains stories about how other children or youth overcame these issues and suggests ways the child and parent can communicate about these concerns.

The book is easy to read, and can be used by the family, by therapists, and by social workers to help the beginning stages of an adoptive placement go more smoothly, or, it can be used years later to help the family talk with each other about adoption issues that they wish they had discussed early on. 

Brenda McCreight, Ph.D., is a therapist, author, and consultant specializing in services for adoptive and foster families dealing with challenges such as FASD, ADHD, conduct disorder, attachment disorder, developmental delays, and cognitive impairment. Brenda is the author of “Recognizing and Managing Children with Fetal Alcohol/Syndrome” published by the Child Welfare League of America, and of “Parenting Your Older Adopted Child” published by New Harbinger Publications and “Eden’s Secret Journal: The Story of an Older Child Adoption” published by Adoption Press. Brenda sees clients at her office in Nanaimo, British Columbia and she provides distance parent coaching by phone and by email. Most importantly, she is the mother of fourteen children (12 by adoption) and seven grandchildren.

PR release

Help I've Been Adopted is being published by Tapestry Books, and will be sold through Tapestry Books, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, major wholesalers  and retail bookstores. TBR 03/2010

If you have questions or opinions about this book, or any of my other books, or if you want to talk about having me do a presentation or workshop in your area, you can contact me through my web site http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com or my blog http://www.theadoptioncounselor.com/Blog.