Questions for First Time Author: Birth Mother Talk

Why did you write "The Best for You"?

As a birth mother, the most frequent question that I am asked is, "Wasn’t that a hard thing to do?" The second most common question is, "How could you give up a baby?" These are good questions and I take my time to answer them as honestly and openly as I can. Yes, it was a very difficult process to go through, but I was a strong and did it out of my love for my children. The other question needs more explanation. I did not give up my children, instead I took responsibility to ensure that I gave them a good start in life. I carefully looked for and found the right families that I felt would raise my children in a loving, supportive and open environment. I always say that I placed my children for adoption, not that I gave up my children for adoption.

Through conversations with adult adoptees, I began to think of a way I could help all children of adoption understand that they were not abandoned or not wanted by their birth mothers. I then thought ... ‘How can I make sure my OWN children understand that I placed them for adoption because I loved them, and I wanted them to have the best that I could provide for them?’ So one day two years ago, I sat down and began to write a letter to my children to do my best to explain, as simply as I could, my reasons for my decision. What I produced in that letter became the book I had always wanted to write. The story came surprisingly easy for me. The illustrations, now those were the real labor of this book. I do not consider myself an artist, and it was a challenging task to both draw and then color the pictures. I thought carefully about the images that accompany the text, making sure it was appropriate for children. When I was completely finished with the book, I was proud that I had set a goal, followed through, and had a wonderfully honest book that could possibly help so many.

I received amazing support from my husband and boys who were very proud of my courage and dedication in writing 'The Best For You'. Having previously worked in the printing industry, I turned my pages into a book and sent one to my daughter. She loved it. She encouraged me to share it with the world and follow my dream to help people, especially children, understand that they were loved and their mothers only wanted the best for them. I have done just that. Although my reasons and explanation may not be the reader’s exact situation, this book can help parents and children open up that sometimes difficult discussion regarding adoption. If ‘The Best For You’ can help kids start talking about their feelings and thoughts, then perhaps work through issues or questions, I will consider it successful and my goal achieved.

How did you select the families for your children?

I grew up without my father in my home and it had a profound effect on me. I watched my mother struggle to make ends meet and was a divorcee in a time when most everyone we knew were married. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I would not be marrying the father and the thought of raising a child without a father was not an option for me. A family member came to me about a colleague who was interested in adopting the baby. I met with the couple and discussed the important issues that I had; their history, religion, their future plans, their parenting beliefs and most important ... I wanted an open adoption. I requested photos and letters twice a year from them, to which I would reply with my own updates. It was important for me to know her, to see how she was growing and what kind of person she was becoming through her life. I also wanted her to know that I was thinking of her, that I always loved her. Her parents agreed with the terms. Luckily for me, her family went far beyond all my expectations. My daughter has always been a part of my life.

My twins were a different situation. I had a couple of years to heal from my first adoption and I chose to go to a different state for the second placing. It was more of an interview process where I looked through files and files of couples. I selected three couples, had lengthy discussions with them, and one face to face meeting that allowed me to make my choice. I chose a couple who had been married for a while and had been through placement disappointment before. It was the way they looked at each other when they spoke about raising children that was so comforting to me. I thought ...’If they can be married this long, handle the ups and downs of hoping to adopt and still have such a positive attitude and outlook about it all, well they are the reason why I am here.’ We negotiated an open adoption. The parents have complied through the years and I have received letters and photos of the twins all their lives. I do know that my children have always known that I love them, and for that I am thankful to the parents and families of my children.

Kelsey Stewart Bio

Kelsey Stewart is a first time Author/Illustrator who has a unique perspective into adoption. She has been through two adoptions as a birth mother and hopes that this book will help children and adults everywhere understand why a mother might choose to place her child for adoption. A native of Missouri, Kelsey moved to Southern California in the mid 90’s with her husband and worked as a graphic designer until their second son was born. Now a stay at home mom and volunteer for the community in which she resides, Kelsey has lived a full, productive and happy life since her journey as a mother began and considers herself incredibly blessed.

Comments

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[Kelsey]

I really do feel for you and your friend in this situation. What I write about and what I express are certainly just my opinions. I try to speak for a group of women who may not be as strong as me, who may not be able to articulate what adoption means to them, to speak for a generation of women who were shamed into thinking what they had done was a bad thing. I do not know that side of it, but I can see someone's side that may not have been as fortunate as I was to have the support and maturity that I had.

YOu mention that she is elderly and that leads me to believe that she came from the era of "The Gilrs Who Went Away". There is a whole generation of women who were shamed and sent away from their homes to have the children, only to be forced to give them up and then return home, like nothing happened. Forced to keep the secret all the while the parents knew and perhaps were so ashamed themselves, chastised and scared these woman beyond repair. So it may be too much to ask that she talk about it, and yes it is unfair. But it is also unfair to assume that because she does not want to talk about it that she did not care about him. I went through a long period when I would not talk about my children. It was just too painful to think about them. The grief that I carried around was unbearable somedays. The guilt that I felt about what that child was going to think about me and what I chose for them was too overwhelming to think about, so I simply tried not to. I was lucky. I was made strong and was able to work through the pain to come out with a postive view about it all. She may not have had that luxury. Those women were seriously wounded both in heart and mind that I am sure, with my knowledge of being a birth mother, there are some who did not come through it in tact. We simply do not know what could have happened to her. Those kind of 'send them off' casses happend quite often in earlier decades, and it wasn't until around the early 80's that open adoption started taking hold in some states. This is only speculation that I have about this woman, I have no proof.

As far as your friend and your heartache for him, it is a journey for some adpotees that is not as wonderful as I depict mine to be in my writings, you are absolutely right about that. I have heard my share of horror stories about adoption. I just heard of a 39 year old man who had to write a letter, then have his adoptive mother sign it so that he could even begin to start the search for his birth mother. What is THAT all about? It is certainly rediculous what an adoptee has to go through sometimes in their search for answers. I would just try and keep supporting your friend, maybe tell him what I have said, and help him explore all the avenues of finding out ABSOLUTELY for sure that it is her. Otherwise, I would suggest he try to put the anger aside and just write everything he is feeling and questioning in a letter, then get it to her. If for nothing else he will have the peace of mind that he got what he needed to off of his chest before she goes.

I hope that this has helped and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to give you my thoughts on this.

My best regards,
Kelsey Stewart

[krissy]

I have a question. I know somebody who is an adult adoptee. His birthmother did NOT have an open adoption, nor does he know who she is. He does suspect, but she denies that she's his mother. He is pretty sure, however. He has self-esteem problems bc he feels his mom "gave him away." How can you assure someone like this that his mother didn't want to "give him up," when she won't talk to him about how she felt about relinquishment, about him, or about the circumstances surrounding her desire/need to do the best thing for him? For that matter, how can you convince this adult adoptee, when she denies him and his existence? Perhaps I sound a little bitter, and perhaps I am! Bitter would not be the correct word, I'm just feeling very frustrated and hurt for him. He can't get passed this, and it is bc she won't talk. Please don't tell me it is bc girls/women had it hard back then, and perhaps the birthmother isn't able to talk about the pregnancy and subsequent relinquishment/adoption. He is aware of this. He still has his needs and wants to know why he was "given away." Yes, I'm aware there are people in her life she may have never told about her pregnancy and child, and perhaps she feels she can't let "the secret" of his existence out now. I do sympathize with his birthmother, but I also feel bad for him. He needs to know the circumstances surrounding his birth, and needs to know he was and/or is loved by her. He needs her to TALK to him, and acknowledge his existence. Is that asking too much, is it unfair? How is he to ASSUME what you are saying is true in HER CASE if she won't even talk to him and if she denies he's hers (or denies his existence)? Is it really asking that much that she talk to him? She is elderly and there isn't that much time to wait, and I'm worried he'll never be at peace if she passes. Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks for understanding that i ask this, and for answering.

[ScottO]

What a great point of view from which to read. I'm sure many just think of the stereotypical views of why kids are given up for adoption. This is a must book for the entire family to read.

[Angela Sanders]

I have this book. We love it! I think it's a wonderful tool to start a discussion with kids about adoption. It's a sweet story, filled with honesty and heart and the illustrations are precious. If open adoption is part of your life, you should have it too. It's great that Tapestry Books is going to be selling it. Now more people will know about it also!