When White is Normal: Preparing Our Transracially Adopted Children to Love Themselves

By Susan Burton

"As a White person who is parenting African-American children, I must be committed to changing my own beliefs, knowledge and actions. I must also commit myself to a life-long struggle for justice for people of color." Susan Burton

After picking up my youngest daughter from the adoption agency when she was one month old, my then 3 year old daughter commented to my partner and me, “she’s brown like me”. She had been asking us questions about why our skin was different than hers for almost a year. As my partner and I prepared to adopt a 2^nd child, we were clear that we wanted our oldest child to have a sibling who would share her racial and ethnic heritage and experience.

Children are surrounded by images that normalize “Whiteness”. This is problematic for all children because these images are some of the first that children receive that teach the covert message that all people are not created equal. I believe that we, as parents and teachers of children of color must actively work to create environments where children see themselves reflected positively in the images and stories around them and learn that they are valuable members of and contributors to our society. For those of us who are White, we may not be conscious of how this “normalization” of Whiteness has limited our experience of the world and enslaved us in our own fear of “the other”. We may be aware of overt acts of hostility (e.g., racist jokes), but may not see the subtle acts of discrimination and implicit racism that our children will regularly encounter. In order to create environments that provide counter stories and lessen internalized oppression (nurture positive racial identity), we must engage in self-examination to become more conscious of ways that we perpetuate racism. Peggy McIntosh, a scholar and advocate for gender and racial justice and equity, once said, “We [White people] are often taught that racism is the meanness or violence of one or many because of race…we are not taught that it is the permission to dominate, that Whiteness is ideal and normal.”

Every day, I work to lessen and not act on my prejudices so that I do not perpetuate oppression. At the same time, I continue to participate in systems that set different standards and rewards for me and for my children, giving me and other people who look like me significant over-advantage. As a White person who is parenting African-American children, I must be committed to changing my own beliefs, knowledge and actions. I must also commit myself to a life-long struggle for justice for people of color.

bell hooks, a renowned African-American feminist and social critic, once said, “If you want to raise a self-loving African-American child or any child, turn off the TV”. Even at a time when the First Family of the United States is African-American, most images of Black people in the media (film, television, news, music) are negative – violent, uneducated, jesters and/or hyper sexualized. Commercials (print and TV), movies and television shows about ordinary living rarely cast African-Americans in primary roles.

There are many adoption advocates who continue to encourage me and teach me how to parent adopted children so that my girls develop strong self-esteem and identity. I have applied some of these same ideas and tools to raising African-American children. In addition to advocating for changes to laws and policies that continue to oppress Black and Brown people, my husband and I have tried to assess the environment over which we have control as we raise our children. We are taking steps within our home and community to create spaces where all White situations are not normal and, if such a situation occurs, our children are equipped to ask questions about it.

We live in a multiracial city and we definitely have some advantage to families who adopt trans-racially in other parts of the United States. However, our city is segregated by race and it is easy to enter into all White spaces. For those of us who are White, developing relationships cross-culturally requires intentionality, self-reflection, humility and perseverance. We make this kind of effort for our children in other realms of our lives as we seek ways to be better parents. No matter how intentional we are to create a sense of belonging in our White families, society will remind them that they are not White and therefore not “normal”. Below is a list of steps that I am incorporating into our lives so that every member of our family (not just our children) develops a love for their racial heritage.   

1. I have joined a number of on-line communities that work to end racism and promote equity. I try to be attentive to the examples of covert racism shared within these groups and reflect on my own behavior to make needed changes based on this new knowledge.
2. I purchase a lot of children’s books for our home that honor the dignity and worth of Black children through the images and story lines. (There are still many books that have “Black” children with light brown skin and White features. To me, these continue to perpetuate the damaging message that the more you assimilate into the dominant White culture the better.)
3. I found a local natural hair salon and am learning to care for my daughters’ hair so that they can feel good about how they look and celebrate the hair that God gave them. (African-American women are much more likely than White women to develop breast cancer and there are many conversations linking this to the chemicals used to straighten Black women’s hair.)
4. I have discontinued catalogues and magazines that come to our house that only have images of White people.
5. I carefully screen and ask my partner to screen the DVDs and television shows that our daughters watch. We do not have cable television because so much programming is exclusively White or reinforces and promotes negative stereotypes of Black people. As much as I loved reading the cartoons and the Kids Page in the newspaper, I do not share these with our children because almost all, if not all, of the images are White.
6. If my daughters watch shows or see magazines that do not have people of color in them, I wonder with them why and often say that I wish they had included Black people and other people of color. Now my 6 year old has begun noticing and giving voice to this.
7. Our family has chosen to worship at an African-American church so that they do not experience racism as their faith is being formed.  We want our children to experience African-American leadership as they experience church.
8. I talk openly about the legacies of slavery and celebrate all that Black people have accomplished in spite of these horrific crimes. (My oldest daughter is part of an after-school program whose curriculum is Afro-centric striving to “nurture the genius of all children”.)
9. I have limited amounts of time to stay connected with friends. I am intentional about nurturing and staying connected with Black friends because I want our children to have significant numbers of Black adults engaged in their lives. (I also intentionally nurture our friendships with people who have or are adopted and are part of multi-racial families.)
10. When creating guest lists for parties in our home, I make sure that my family has invited a significant number of Black people. (Dinner tables and special events in our families reflect our values unlike most places in our lives.)
11. Just as I talk with our families about not perpetuating negative adoption language and stories that I believe damaging (e.g., “given up”), I encourage close family and friends to examine their conscious and unconscious assumptions about and behaviors toward Black people.
12. Our children only have Black dolls and I ask my family when buying gifts to examine the images presented in the gifts that they purchase. In repeated studies, when Black children are asked to choose the prettiest dolls, the children choose the White doll over the Black doll. (There are many brands of toys that we will not purchase because there are not Black figures with the sets.)
13. I  work with our daughters’ school – administrators, parents and teachers -- to ensure that the racial/ethnic experience and heritage of our children show up in significant ways in the curricula, school events, field trips, library books, etc. throughout the school year (not just during Black History Month).
14. My partner and I chose a pediatric practice with African-American doctors. (I grew up in a segregated community where I saw few African-American professionals and this was one way I could guarantee that they would be closely connected and influenced by African-American professionals. I also wanted doctors who share their racial heritage and can offer all of us guidance with respect to their intellectual, social and emotional development as they grow up.)

Parenting brings tremendous joy and is also daunting at times. (Our first daughter weighed a little over 4 lbs when we brought her home from the hospital.) As a young adult, I began noticing people whose parenting I appreciated and recognized how important it would be for me to cultivate a community that would help me learn to parent well. Because many of the decisions and actions listed above require time and intentionality, I have found that a loving community is absolutely essential to being sustained in this journey. When I am conscious, I see how often the ugliness of racism is attempting to tell my daughters that they are not loved and valued in this place.

I have a supportive husband/partner who absolutely adores our children, understands that White privilege and racism still persist and is committed to being on this journey with me. My parents want the absolute best for their grandchildren and we talk openly with each other about what we will do to create the most unconditionally loving environment for our girls. I talk about parenting with people who share similar values and who I know will give me good counsel about raising my children. (The older my children get the more reciprocity I experience in these conversations.)   Whether I am talking with parents who are raising adopted children, girls, children in multi-racial families or Black children,  there is always an opportunity for me to become more conscious of ways that my children might experience the world that I have not considered. And, there are opportunities for me to listen to and learn from the experiences of adults who are African-American raised by African-American parents and adults that were trans-racially adopted.  (Before we finalized our decision to adopt African-American children, I spent a lot of time talking with Black friends about adopting an African-American child. These were people that I wanted in my children’s lives and whose support and insight I knew I would need as I learned to parent African-American children.)

We all want our children to know that they are loved. The person that I have the greatest ability to change is me. And, as I make changes within myself, I find that I can more authentically and powerfully speak to the changes that I want to see in the society in which our children are growing up. Throughout this journey, it has been helpful for me to remember how bell hooks (1994) describes this journey, “embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of love—‘care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge’—in our everyday lives.  We can successfully do this only by cultivating awareness.  Being aware enables us to critically examine our actions to see what is needed so that we can give care, be responsible, show respect, and indicate a willingness to learn.”