Growing up as a Transracial Adoptee - About Ola Zuri

Transracially Adopted - Memories of Seperation and Isolation

When I was younger, I wanted to look like everyone else around me so that I wouldn’t get so many why questions asked of me.  I wanted to know the answers to some of those same questions, but, I didn’t know the answers.   As I got older, I was starting to get used to people asking me all sorts of things that I didn’t always have the answers for.  I had a very closed adoption and I still don’t know all of the answers to some of those questions.  Imagine trying to figure out everything about yourself when you only know a partial bit about your life and where you came from. 

 

Only years later, would I find out any real details about my life before adoption.  My twin sister was born, prematurely, one hour and fifteen minutes before me.  She was whisked away into the neonatal care unit of the hospital and then surprise... I was born.  I was placed into the foster care system when I was just days old and was to  be separated from my sister until weeks later, when she too was placed with me into  the system.  I would stay there until I was two years old and then was adopted, with my sister, by a white couple.   

 

Separation appeared to be something that was going to continue with me as | grew  up.  My sister and I were never sent to our preschool at the same time, nor were we  sent to the same schools when it came time to attend.  So, even though we had each other to be with when we were at home, we both had our own issues to deal with at school, on our own.  Being alone at school was very hard for me and very sad.  I don’t think separating my sister and I was very beneficial as it left me feeling alone, in my  own world.  At my school, I was picked on, teased and told that I couldn’t play with  the other kids.  I was pushed around and hurt by other children.  I remember being singled out by teachers as well. 

 

It was very tough going to a school where I was treated unfairly and was constantly reminded that I was different, the one always left out.  In grade six, another brown girl came to my school and we became friends.  It was exciting for me to see that there really were other people like my sister and I.  I didn’t recognize that my sister was a resource for me because we weren’t together to share our experiences at school.  I rarely spoke about anything that happened to me, as I was afraid of what repercussions may come as a result.  My sister never actually wanted to talk about her experiences. 

 

There were so many years that I spent with a sense of isolation about me and of the never-adequate attempts for me to do the right thing, with my family and for myself.  | would continue with those attempts into my young adulthood and, I admit, that it was challenging for me.  I tended to be nervous, quiet, shy, and even ashamed of my being adopted, and that made me feel uncomfortable around a lot of people.  As I continued to grow, I started supporting everyone except myself, never stopping to listen to my own feelings.  I didn’t see, until years later when I really examined my life, and I then realized that I had to listen to myself and make it different for the children of today, who may be going through a lot of the similar feelings that I went through.    

Coming to Terms with a Transracial Identity

There are a lot of children that are being raised in our communities that are going to be dealing with what I call Transracial Identity Loss.  When a child is living amongst a family that does not share the same race as he/she does, there is a loss that occurs for this child.  The identity of knowing who you are, not just who you are being raised as, is a very big issue that children are having to learn to deal with.  There can be a denial about what racial identity to choose as a child becomes a young adult and, sometimes, even into adulthood.  The reality is that if the child loses himself/herself, he/she has lost everything.

 

When adopting children of another race than themselves, parents need to listen to the concerns they come home with, the stories from school, events or activities that they have been involved in.  The issues that they are trying to deal with can be very difficult ones to bridge and with the support and care from parents that will listen to them, and believe them, is extremely important in building up their self confidence and self esteem.  Those two areas of self are very easily shattered when an adult doesn’t put out the belief that the child is needing and wanting.  There will come a time that the stories will not be brought home if the child feels ashamed of who he/she is and feels that the parent isn’t willing to help deal with the issues with the child.

 

Having said that, what matters most for the children is that their parents have been there for them, to know, and to realize, that there are issues that may come up that the parents haven’t been able to prepare them for.  In the end, it will be on the young adult to figure out what he/she will have to do to fit in, to be a part of the community that sees their race as different, and to be whole to themselves and to still be themselves.  Fortunately, these children will have had that support growing up and will have the tools to help them.  It is important though, to remember that parents will not be able to fix everything for them, not when they are young, and definitely not when they are grown.  Those choices and decisions will, unfortunately, be ones that each individual will deal with themselves.  Thank goodness those tools were available to them as they were growing up!

Children’s books continue to offer an easier way for parents to broach a variety of subjects with their children, including adoption, bullying, racism and even more sensitive topics that can generate a lot of mixed feelings and emotions, both for the parents and the children.  The books that I am providing will touch on those sensitive topics and will offer an opening for the conversations to start the healing process for the losses the children may be dealing with, or may start dealing with.  The more support a child has in healing self, the better chance the child has of finding self.

Ola Zuri Today

In conjunction with the Adoptive Families Association of BC and the Boys and Girls Club, I currently run a group for children called True Colours.  It is a mentoring program offered for children of colour, most of whom are adopted or fostered into white families.  The ages of the children that attend range from two months of age to older teens, some coming in as mentors.  Over the past two years since the group was formed, I have seen some amazing changes in the children who attend.  They are more willing to accept that they are different and that it is okay to be different.  They are able to have interactions with the adults of colour, and the older teens, as mentors for them.  I have also seen that by having the older kids hanging out with the younger ones, helps them to feel good about fitting in with everyone, by playing games, doing crafts, and enjoying their time together.  This is so important for all children, as most parents are aware.

There are very positive messages given to these children about their differences and in how to deal with any issues that may arise based on those differences.  Most of the communities that we live in here in Western Canada do not have the same literary resources as those offered in Eastern Canada, or in various parts of the United States.  Having the consistency of knowing that the kids can count on that one time to be there for them can be very rewarding and can build strong inner confidence.  I have many children that cross off the days until we get together again each month for our True Colours sessions.  I am very proud to be a part of the lives of these children.

 

For the past three years, as well as running the True Colours program for the children, I am also involved in facilitating a transracial parenting workshop.  It is for parents who are either considering adopting transracially or have already brought their children home. These workshops deal with issues that parents aren't always thinking about or don't always take into consideration when they are adopting outside of their own race.  Some of these issues are stereotypes, the motivation to adopt transracially, racism, ages and stages of when to talk about things with their child, and a lot of very real topics that parents don't realize are topics they will deal with.  I became a facilitator of this workshop because, as an adult adoptee that was adopted transracially, I believe that I have some insight as to what parents can expect and am able to answer any questions about what their child(ren) may come up against.  The parents that attend have always mentioned that my being a part of the workshops is helpful to them as some of the areas that I am able to discuss with them, they hadn't thought about before.  My co-facilitator and I have only had very positive feedback from the families that take part in these workshops and we have even had people repeat them.  These workshops are very beneficial for all families that are looking into adopting outside of their own race and I am excited about being a part of them.

To promote the book I have had book signings, television spots, and the book is now going across Canada and the United States, in various school districts.  The book is selling online and in stores.  I have been interviewed for a soon to be released article and have a blog site.  The articles that I have been able to share with Adoption agencies in Canada and the United States, including Rainbow Kids, PACT, FCC, Adoptive Families Association of BC, and NACAC.    

 

Why Cant You Look Like Me?

Author: Ola Zuri